Teen
Young, Suburban Teens and Alcohol
Over the past few years there has been a flow of very disturbing research data indicating a significant increase in alcohol abuse among young, suburban teens. The data suggests that at least one of every four 7th and 8th grade boys and one of every ten 7th and 8th grade girls have gotten drunk at least once in the past year. In many cases the frequency was higher.
Even more alarming is that many of these teens are from the popular group, those held in high esteem by their peers, and, in many cases, by parents and teachers. A common story shared by my adolescent patients is how often the very kids their parents are urging them to spend more time with are the ones abusing alcohol and drugs. It’s the old adage, “You can’t tell a book by its cover.” Many of the grungy kids are very anti-alcohol and drugs.
The assumptions being made about this increase in substance abuse at younger ages are fairly well known but bear repeating. Grades 7 and 8 are not allowed to be low stress years anymore. Pre-high school teens are increasingly told that if they screw up in school, they’ll never get into a good college and won’t be successful as adults. Meanwhile these same teens have been experiencing biological puberty earlier and earlier. It is no longer unusual for a nine-year-old girl to begin menstruating. That brings with it a host of complex issues about body image, sexual urges and pressures, and even more intense needs to fit in with a peer group. On top of that the media targets this age group to spend, spend, spend in order to fit distorted images of being cool.
Everything in their lives seems to become more competitive at this critical juncture. Involvement in sports and the arts is rarely just for fun. It’s increasingly competitive, in part reflecting once again the “build-your-resume-for-a-good-college” mentality, but also reflecting the competitive attitudes of the parents, coaches, and teachers involved in these programs. At a time when these teens are emotionally and socially very much still children, they are increasingly asked to be adults.
Now this is not the same as past generations, or current poverty level families, where young teens had to work to help support the family. Poverty is something teens can understand and while having to work instead of play might be disappointing, they can demonstrate a level of necessary responsibility. The problem with the more affluent suburban teens is that the issues being imposed upon them don’t seem real. The idea of preparing for a future life as an adult is grasped only by anxious, eager to please teens. It’s a false appearance of “being responsible.” And these are the teens who feel especially stressed out and often turn to alcohol, and drugs, for relief.
Another likely source of this problem is isolation, familial and community. The typical suburban family now has two parents working outside the home. Young teens are increasingly on their own after school. Once at home, there is little time for just hanging together. Parents are highly stressed, having little time for personal or marital needs. So a model of nurturance and intimacy is often missing. The focus tends to be on getting tasks done and rushing everyone to their appointed destinations. The typical strain of young teens pulling away from parents is exacerbated by all these stresses. Yet the data continues to overwhelming indicate that the more isolated these younger teens become from their parents, the more at risk they become for serious adolescent problems.
In a similar manner, families are more isolated. Fewer live close to relatives, so extended family plays less of a role in the lives of these young teens, and that has been the case all through their childhood years. Involvement in places of worship has decreased for American families. Again the data shows that when whole families are more connected to a spiritual center, the teens are less likely to develop more serious problems. A key here is the word “connected.” It means not just superficial attendance (often forced by this age) but a genuine participation in the activities. Of course this means places of worship need to offer meaningful experiences for the young teens, something that unfortunately is often lacking.
A frequently ignored factor is the use of alcohol by parents. While reports indicate the amount of hard liquor being consumed has decreased, the use of wine has increased significantly. It is also my anecdotal impression, based on working with many couples, that liquor is becoming an increasing issue in many homes again. Thus, there is the obvious problem of children and teens being told not to drink or use drugs by parents who are drinking, and using many kinds of drugs to cope with their own stresses and emotional issues.
So what should parents be doing? The first step is always being aware of the potential risk. Raise the issue with your teen, not as a lecture, but more in the form of knowing this is going on around them and how do they deal with it. Even if they deny use, or even exposure, talk about the likelihood that sooner rather than later, they will be in a situation where they will feel pressured to drink. How can they say no and feel a part of the group? If they do experiment, which is likely, how can they try to limit the amount and not get drunk?
There’s an especially sensitive issue related to sex. Drunken teenage boys are more likely to attempt to have sex with an underage girl. You need to make your sons aware of this and the multiple risks involved, especially if the girl is drunk or under the influence of drugs and her lack of resistance is not a statement of agreement, which she is too young to make anyway. Drunken teenage girls are inviting targets for teenage boys. Females have a lower tolerance for alcohol. You must help your daughters realize the significant risks of drinking and their need to avoid becoming victimized.
Parents need to find a way to put less focus on pushing their teens to prepare for adult life and learn how to enjoy them as young teens, even with the roller-coaster ride that can require. Listen to their music, learn about their interests, and show more interest in them as people as opposed to being so focused on their achievements. Share your life with them. Let them know that adults have worries, fears, and varied interests. Be human, real, not hiding your imperfections so as to avoid implying that imperfections are not normal or acceptable. Apologize when you screw up.
Meanwhile parents need to be very firm about knowing where their teens are and try to insure as much as possible that if they are hanging at somebody’s house, an adult is present. Cell phones now enable us to have a wireless tether connected to our teenagers. Use them to maintain routine connection and staying informed. Don’t be intimidated into not talking to other parents.
It’s especially helpful if you can find some common interest to share with your young teen. Each parent may not be able to do that with each child, but each child should have at least one thing she/he can share with one parent. You’d be surprised how many young teens are interested in social issues, the stock market, or world affairs. If you stop focusing on grades, there might be something in the classroom that is of interest to both of you.
As a family, try to establish a ritual of some kind that celebrates being together. Family dinners have become disrupted by the chaotic schedules of parents and teens. Still it may be possible to establish Friday night or Sunday night dinners that are a little special, in some cases tied to the family’s spiritual life. Families should try to be more connected to the community. If not a place of worship, there are many community programs looking for volunteers.
Despite doing any of the above, there is still a strong likelihood that at some time during the teen years your child will come home obviously drunk. How to respond? Of course you can ask for “the story.” If you have a close enough relationship, you may actually be able to get an honest picture of a child who just went too far and has possibly learned a painful lesson that may be accompanied by vomiting and/or a hangover. Don’t overreact. A reasonable consequence, besides a good conversation, is to be grounded the following weekend.
If there is a second such incident, then I usually recommend that the consequence be attending four meetings of a local Alateen meeting. You are not saying to your teen that she/he has a drinking problem. You just want them to become more conscious of the potential risks they are taking. Of course, if the problem persists, then individual or family counseling may be helpful as well as possible continued involvement with Alateen (and Alanon for the rest of the family).
The key issues here are building solid connections with your young teens and trying to insure that they do not develop a serious alcohol problem during this challenging time in their lives.
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