ChildrenIt’s September. As we mourn the passage of another all too short summer, our children are beginning their next round of surviving school. Parents brace themselves for the inevitable challenges ahead but, for the children, it is pure Stressville, U.S.A. The data from a number of surveys in the past year indicate our children are feeling significantly higher amounts of stress that is school-related, though not only academic. Social issues and extra-curricula activities add much to the pressure our children are feeling. The more negative pictures focus on middle and high school students where anxiety, depression, obesity, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts/attempts are far too prevalent.
Many factors are contributing to this. Parents still struggle to understand how to set reasonable expectations for their children when it comes to academic performance. In addition there is an obsession about going to the best possible college that for some starts in preschool! That relates to a perception of a need to build a resume beyond just good grades. Meanwhile, teachers are often facing larger classrooms and under greater pressure to teach to statewide exams, squashing what little creativity and individualizing existed within our school systems. Now factor in the real world pressures of earlier physical maturation, the bombardment of unhealthy messages and pressures from greater access to information via the Internet, cable, and cell phones. Want more? Try the much higher levels of stress at home – no longer a sanctuary for most given divorce, re-marriage, and dual career parents who in turn are suffering higher levels of anxiety and depression.
Wow! What a list. So let’s take a deep breath and try to develop some strategies that could make this year a little better than past years – for both you and your children.
Stop overrating the importance of grades. There is no significant
correlation between grades and having a good life, professionally or personally.
Think about it. Being a good student requires a certain type of intelligence
mixed with a particular type of personality. We have learned that there
are not only many types of intelligences, some of which are either ignored
or underplayed by school, but that learning academic material as it is currently
taught in most classrooms stresses a very narrow range of academic skills,
high levels of concentration and organization, and either a relatively passive,
eager to please personality or a highly competitive type. Only a small percentage
of children will fit this description.
Please note that in referring to being a good student, I’m not just
including students who get lots of “A’s”. So many parents
say they just want their children to try hard. They’ll accept “Bs”
and an occasional ”C” as long as that’s the best their
child can do. But parents and teachers are constantly on the backs of children
whose school performance is uneven, both within and across subjects. Often
children will admit they only try hard when they like the subject matter
or like the teacher (who is making the material interesting and/or making
a connection with the child). These children end up with that awful label
of “underachiever” and are perceived as not giving it their
best effort. Thus, they are not considered good students and parents fret
endlessly about this, often trying to micromanage that child into being
a “better” student.
This is treated as a problem when it should be treated as the norm. In
fact, it should be seen as a good predictor of success later in life.
After all, don’t we try, as adults, to find things we really like
and make careers and avocations out of them? School requires children to
do many things they are not good at or developmentally are not ready to
do well. Keep in mind that major aspects of brain development are taking
place right into adolescence. In fact, the brain is being shaped by experience
throughout the course of life. Somehow, many parents still believe what
they see at 5 or 10 is what they’ll get at 20 or 30.
Parents and teachers need to focus more on a child’s strengths and
less on his/her weaknesses. Enjoy those accomplishments. Show an interest
in them. Tell your children about the many things you are not good at and
not to compare themselves to that small population of peers who seem to
be good at everything. If your child’s notebook is filled with quality
sketches instead of science notes, recognize the artistic skills and the
sensitivity that feeds the details of those drawings rather than be concerned
about lost science knowledge. If your child is a whiz at those computer
games, learn about them (and don’t be too embarrassed when your 8-year-old
soundly whips you) and recognize the eye-hand coordination required as well
as the visual learning skills.
The message here is that being a “good student” should include
the vast majority of children who enjoy narrower successes. If parents can
see that, both parents and children will find school much less stressful.
If you can add to that the reality that it doesn’t matter what college
your child goes to (or for some what specialized post-high school training)
and that there is a college for anyone who really wants to attend or that
some young adults do need some time off before going to college –
if you can accept that life’s highway is full of twists and turns
as opposed to being a clear open road – than you are going to find
being a parent much more enjoyable.
What really matters is building a solid relationship with your children.
You probably noticed how much of the prior section included concepts of
acceptance of who your child really is, as opposed to constantly trying
to fix him/her, as well as trying to share in your child’s special
areas of interest and success. The research has consistently shown that
children who have the least turbulent adolescences are those with the strongest
connections to their parents. This is about a number of things. Learning
to enjoy your child is high on the list. That may mean spending less time
battling over homework or chores and substituting “floor time”,
Dr. Stanley Greenspan’s great concept. Playing with your child or
just curling up next to her and having a rambling conversation is time well
spent. Learning about his interests, including his music, is time well spent.
Sharing some of your mistakes and worries, done briefly but genuinely, is
time well spent.
Having a strong relationship with your child and preparing him/her for life
requires creating a realistic view of what adult life is like, including
what marriage is about. If you want your child to be honest and open with
you, then model that with your own honesty and openness. It needs to be
a two-way street, just like any other intimate relationship. There also
needs to be respect. Most parents do not respect their children; only expect
their children to respect them. Part of that respect is developing a good
understanding of their nature and temperament and being able to accept each
child’s unique character, warts and all. In addition, respect means
understanding that the definition of being a child includes being immature.
While there will need to be consequences for some errors in judgment or
action, there should not be a sense that your child is “bad”
because of spilt milk, clothes left strewn about, or experimentation with
drugs and sex.
Children need secure attachments throughout the course of their lives. They will face a myriad of crises, small and large, when young and old. To the extent that you as parents can provide those secure attachments then you are offering your children the most important gift you can give, one that will provide them with a resiliency to cope with life’s challenges much more than a resume of good grades or athletic/artistic success. It’s something you actually have some control over; unlike thinking you can control your child’s behavior. If you can move in this direction during the current school year, then you and your children will have had a very successful year, regardless of what their report cards say!
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