Family
A Newborn's
Impact On Birth Order
Q: Until a few weeks ago our family consisted of two boys, ages 6 and 4. Then a baby girl arrived on the scene and everything seemed to change at once. The older boy actually became more helpful and seems to enjoy holding and caring for his little sister. But his younger brother is jealous, began wetting, and is being resistant to going to his preschool. Before the new addition to our family, I was having difficulty with the competitiveness between the two boys. One reason we waited a couple of more years before having our third child was to try to avoid having that situation repeat itself but it seems to be happening anyway. Any suggestions on how to help the four year old get through this difficult time? Is it wrong to let him miss some nursery school time? How long should I expect the wetting and increased baby talk? How much do I ask of the 6 year old without making him resent being the oldest?
A: We have a mixture of issues here which makes for a scenario rich with possibilities. When I talked further with this mother, it turns out that the older boy had been a bit slow in his developmental milestones, is not especially well-coordinated, and has already been identified as having some possible learning problems in the first grade. His little brother, on the other hand, always the more difficult child from moment of delivery also seems to be brighter, quicker, and better coordinated. This created some conflict between the two boys that seemed based on the older child feeling jealous of his younger brother's attention resulting from all his "accomplishments", even at such a young age.
Part of this competitive issue stemmed from the parents having each child participate in the same activities (in different years, of course). I encouraged them to give more recognition to the differences between the two boys and to explore some activities for the older boy that may be better suited to his makeup. For example, less emphasis on the competitive, team sports programs (they really start at such an early age now that it has become a bit ridiculous). The older boy likes to swim, so that might be more of a focus with him plus something like the old Indian Guides program (I think the "Y" might actually be changing the name of that program.) Clearly the 6 year old has quickly grabbed onto the caretaker role and it helps him to feel special. Go with it- just be sensitive to not taking advantage of him. But it fits his personality which is more gentle and empathetic. The key is for the parents to value those characteristics and reinforce their son's strengths rather than constantly focusing on his weaknesses (the skill problems).
As for the younger son, he is clearly feeling dispossessed from his role as the baby of the family as well as the "star" performer. His new sibling is the only girl in the family and everyone is making a big fuss about that. The temporary regression, i.e., wetting and baby-talk, is a normal response to this displacement and typically lasts from a few to several weeks. One key here is to acknowledge that he is going through a difficult time. Parents tend to try to help their children through reassurance when often what really is needed is validation and then giving the child the right to suffer and recover. Obviously, you must set clear limits about any physical acting out toward the baby, but don't shut off the verbal expressions of jealousy and anger. You may also need to help him re-establish his sense of still being unique and special even if he has lost one aspect of that. One way is to have his father spend a little extra time doing some of the activities they normally share just to reinforce that those are not lost in among the changes. It's also reasonable, as part of the recognition that this is a difficult adjustment for the 4 year old, to quickly re-institute the reward system you might have used a few years earlier to encourage him to re-establish his bladder control.
The question of children staying home when a new baby arrives is a good one. We have come to the point in our society where the idea of fathers taking paternal leave is finally becoming accepted. I often do recommend that it is appropriate to have the whole family at home for a few days when Mommy and baby arrive. Father gives lots of extra attention to the children, making it feel like a positive event for the family with emphasis on gain rather than loss for the older child(ren). The children typically ask to go back to school fairly quickly when its done pro-actively. Otherwise, complaining and wanting to be at home may drag on for weeks.
The arrival of a new baby certainly changes family dynamics but it does so in ways that reflect the pre-existing personalities and roles. Make your adaptations with that in mind and the transition will be more successful.
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