FamilyMost child psychologists consider board games to be an essential resource to help build connections with our young patients as well as working on their problems. Many of the games are the same ones I started out with over 30 years ago: Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, Checkers, Sorry, Stratego, to name a few. Connect 4 joined the group many years ago as well as Mastermind and Battleship.
These were the same games I played with my own children at home, along with Risk, Monopoly, Life, Careers, and several others. Slowly, however, the electronic age took over and evolved into the Playstations and handheld Gameboys that have been dominant for years. These games are often played alone or just between children. In addition, there has been a constant debate about the violent content of many of these games especially because the images are so realistic.
But in recent years there has been a revival of interest in the old-fashioned board game. Sales are up significantly. Families are sitting on the floor again and actually interacting with each other instead of just staring at a screen. I won’t profess to know why this is happening but I do know that through all these years of technological dominance, children of all ages who came in to my office continued to love playing those same old, worn out board games.
In response to this resurgence of interest, articles are appearing advising parents on the proper way to use the games to support their children’s development. As always the emphasis is on building self-esteem which unfortunately becomes associated with winning, leading to suggestions that parents should not try very hard to win and make sure that their children win often enough to build their confidence. The fact that this shows a continued misunderstanding of what builds self-esteem and encourages parents to do a form of dishonest reverse cheating is somehow ignored by too many of the child development specialists.
Success is not the lifeblood of building self-esteem or to the development of resilience in children. Overcoming challenge is much more critical and that requires the experience of failure and of making mistakes. Children need to learn that it’s not only okay to make mistakes or to fail (i.e., lose) but that persistence and learning from experience is critical to future success. I would like to suggest some alternate rules of etiquette regarding trying to win when playing with children as well as some strategies for dealing with children who have an exaggerated difficulty with losing.
To win or not to win
With very young children, 3-5, most likely you are playing a game that is strictly chance and winning or losing should take care of itself. Certainly one can allow a little leeway in how the child moves her piece but it isn’t necessary to purposely lose even if occasionally a run of bad luck limits a child’s wins in any given playtime. First of all, though parents are told that this is not about winning and losing, the recommendation to deliberately lose, at this age or with older children contradicts the alleged reduced emphasis on winning. Second, young children idolize their parents, expecting, even wanting them to be all knowing and powerful. At the younger ages, children are more interested in the attention and I believe the issue about helping their self-esteem by ensuring winning is an adult distortion of the child’s view of the world.
As children reach elementary school age, the games begin to involve more skill and winning does become more important to the child. I prefer one or both of the following strategies from this stage on.
Point out to a child that because you are so much older it gives you an unfair advantage, both in a lot more experience playing the particular game as well as understanding strategies that help players win. You would like to make the game as fair as possible (children are very focused on the concept of fairness). Thus you can ask your child if it is okay to give some helpful suggestions along the way (making it a teaching experience) and/or to make an adjustment in the rules to make it more equal.
When a child is about to make a move that will hurt his chances or result in losing, saying, “Are you sure you want to do that?” or “You better look a little longer before taking this turn.”, slows down the impulsive response. You can then even help the child examine possible options and outcomes. Sometimes I just get silly, covering my eyes and screeching, “Oh no, I can’t watch you do that!” If the child chooses to go ahead with the move he wants to make even though it will have a bad outcome, that’s his choice, and you should have him experience the expected consequence.
If the skill difference is unreasonable, change the rules to create a level playing field. Sometimes the child may get a certain number of extra turns or may have more ways of winning the game. The key here is that the two of you have agreed on this ahead of time. It then allows being equally competitive and doesn’t require the parent to deceptively lose. As you can tell I don’t like the latter strategy because it gives a positive value to being dishonest. Children often know you are doing this even if they don’t say anything.
There is no reason for the parent not to play to win, especially under the circumstances I have described. Children will typically want to play again and again at a game they are losing until they begin to win. They love the sense of overcoming the challenge of defeating a parent and the parent should enjoy the experience of losing to his child. This is a true accomplishment for the child, not one orchestrated by the parent, thus resulting in an actual contribution to confidence and resilience.
When losing is a problem
Some children lack tolerance for losing games. They “cheat” by creating special rules. They throw tantrums when it looks like they are going to lose. Parents complain to the child that this isn’t fun and often threaten not to play anymore. I’ve found two strategies to be particularly effective.
For the child who keeps making up rules, simply note that games require an agreement on the rules to be used. Then state that the rules the child has created look like fun and you want to use them too. So you begin to move you piece all around the board and, of course, the game disintegrates. The child will probably make a grand move that results in victory. It’s okay to allow this to become a silly process. The child usually recognizes that this isn’t fun anymore and spontaneously returns to the actual rules. Or else the game will just be used for pure fooling around and that’s okay. When the child is ready, she’ll be able to play it in a more appropriate fashion.
Then we have the child who flips the board over and sends the pieces flying in the face of defeat. This is my favorite. The next time you play and you begin to lose, throw your own tantrum and send the board and pieces flying away. The first time this happens the child will be stunned. Grownups aren’t supposed to do that! Usually this results in a quick disappearance of that behavior.
One final note of caution. Playing a board game with the whole family is often too difficult a challenge. It takes a long time between turns and the siblings have unequal skills and may not accept coaching or anything else that makes it more equal. If it works for your family, fine. This tends to be more likely when the children are much older and can really enjoy the strategic or playful aspects on an equal level. Thus, it may be better to play shorter games one on one with each child.
The bottom line in all of this is that it is playing together. Children need to feel loved but, even more importantly, they need to feel enjoyed just for being who they are, not for what they achieve. Having fun with your children is one of the most important gifts you can give them.
Back to Family | Back to ParenTalk
Top | Home | My
Practice | Parenting & Marriage Advice | Resources
| Contact
