Children
Bullying and the Right Not to be Afraid
Jonathan didn’t seem his usually cheerful self, but when asked he denied anything was wrong. The parents were concerned and frustrated. They were encouraged to talk with his teacher and guidance counselor. Some unobtrusive observation and questioning of other students brought forth information that a boy in the next grade was picking on Jon. When the parents raised this issue with their son, he quickly broke into tears and just as quickly pleaded with them not to do anything. He not only feared retaliation but embarrassment. He envisioned being teased because his parents had to rescue him. He thought he could just ignore it and eventually it would cease. But it hadn’t. The anxiety was affecting his concentration in school. Even more important, he was disappointed in himself for being "weak." Jon’s father struggled with old versus new ways of raising boys. He wanted to encourage his son to fight back, reasoning that even if the older boy won the fight, Jon would win the respect of his peers and the bully for not backing down. Yet his father also believed that resorting to violence to solve a problem was not what he wanted to teach his son, even though that’s what his father had taught him. Plus there was the realization that even if this older boy left Jon alone he would just shift his focus to some other child.
Yet the parents were stymied as to what steps to take. They considered calling the boy’s parents but friends advised against that. Unfortunately many parents have experienced very defensive reactions when trying to tell another child’s parents that there is a problem with their son or daughter. In addition, there is no direct involvement of a skilled professional with the bully and no telling how the parents might take out their embarrassment on their son.
The parents talked to Jon about the strength it takes to ask for help to solve a problem. They stressed his right to be able to go to school without being afraid. This is a critical point. It can be a devastating experience to go to school scared day after day and be emotionally and/or physically abused. Many adults still vividly remember such experiences underscoring how traumatic it is.
The parents were empathetic to Jon’s concerns about involving others but firm in their resolve to be proactive. They decided to meet with school staff to address the problem. The school can offer a variety of potential solutions ranging from an authoritative intervention by the principal to a clinical intervention by the counselor. They can extend their sphere of influence to include the child’s access to and egress from the school. If there is a risk of harm outside the school’s territory, then a police officer trained in community interventions can be brought in.
My experience is that usually these situations can be handled successfully within the school. A principal meeting with the bully’s parents, armed with feedback from other children and staff, diffuses the accusation and strengthens it at the same time. The counselor may choose from a few options. She might talk with the bully alone, have the two boys meet together and help the bully realize the pain he is causing the other child (empathy, when accessible, is a great deterrent against violence), or have the bully participate in a children’s group to develop more effective social skills.
Bullies are children in pain and are expressing that pain with their aggressive behavior. They substitute meaningful friendships with superficial ones based on fear. Stay on his good side and you won’t get hurt. So the best approach is a mixture of firm limits and an effort to provide the bully with an alternative way of socializing. It is also not unusual to discover the bully is experiencing emotional or physical trauma at home.
Jon was very nervous and initially there were some angry threats passed along to him. But the situation diffused within weeks and Jon learned some valuable lessons. There are alternatives to meeting violence with violence. His parents and other adults were there to help him through a difficult time. He has a right to walk about his world without being afraid.
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