Teen
"Chadolescence" - A challenging time for parents
Of course you've never heard of "chadolescence"! I just made it up. I decided that "pre-teen" doesn't really fit any more. That term has a certain "calm before the storm" sound which no longer fits contemporary experience. The ages from 10-13 used to be primarily childhood years, often characterized by increased closeness with same-sex parents as children became old enough to share more with adults and showed more interest in the world around them. It was also "chum" time, the emergence of a few very close friendships with whom the child could marvel at the mysteries that lie ahead. It was also a time when there would typically be a brief surge of interest in the opposite sex, often a first "date", maybe even a few boy-girl parties. But, predominately, there would still be a sharp separation of the sexes and much anxiety about those few children who were starting to "mature".
However, over the past ten-fifteen years, this period of development has changed dramatically. Physical maturation is occurring earlier especially among the girls. Cable TV has exposed these children to inordinate amounts of sex and violence (often mixed together), TV has made children much more aware of world events and media, in general, with its over focus on bad news has created a very bleak view of the adult world that lies ahead. Increased focus on physical and sexual abuse, violence against women, urban violence, and worldwide tragedies has increasingly shortened the period of childhood innocence. This age group has also been especially targeted by advertisers creating a demand for expensive clothing and entertainment products.
In the midst of this parents are under increased pressures with workplace uncertainties, changing roles for women and men, increased isolation of families, and less confidence about what is the "right " thing to do when their "chadolescent" kids push the limits.
Fifth and sixth graders are quite a mixed bag. Some are very much children, relatively oblivious to all that is swirling around them and still mostly interested in their ballet classes, ballgames, electronic games, sleepovers, and maintaining their innocence. These children may even begin to appear "immature" in today's world and may feel out of step with their peers. That is because an increasing percentage of this age group is becoming sexually active, experimenting with alcohol and drugs, and pushing limits in ways that were typically more characteristic of early adolescence. On the positive side, they are also showing concerns with the welfare of others in response to tragedies in the U.S. and around the world and are more social activists than ever before at such a young age. This age group is increasingly on the cutting edge of the computerization of our society and, in many families, capable of entering a world that parents may be ill-equipped to understand and monitor.
How do parents respond? The next column will provide more specifics but, in general, you must develop a clear sense of parental/family values to serve as guidelines, create some very clear boundaries regarding what is acceptable/allowable behavior and consistently apply consequences when those lines are crossed. Instead of feeling powerless and doing a lot of nagging and screaming, you must recognize that you do have influence because your child still relies on you for many things (including love and support) regardless of how much they seem to be pushing away and that one of your most powerful discipline techniques is how you dole out your attention.
You need to understand that your 11 y.o. may view and experience the world remarkably different than you did at the same age. Find a way to spend enough time alone with your "chadolescent" so that there will be spontaneous opportunities to learn what is going on in his/her life. Part of this gets back to the issue of values - I urge parents to realize that their relationship with their child (and subsequent sense of self-worth) is more important than grades and other achievements. For couples, you must try to keep your marriage strong as both a model and a resource for the child. You must teach child that your time and material resources are limited and that there needs to be a more cooperative process in dealing with responsibilities that come with being part of a family.
Another especially important goal is to create more of a parental community. Parents need to be in communication with each other (schools and religious institutions can be of great help here) to minimize lack of supervision and succumbing to pressures to allow children to do things that are not age-appropriate simply because some of their peers are doing it.
"Chadolescence" is definitely a challenging time for both the child and the parents. Understanding the issues contributing to the stresses is a first step. Next month we'll talk about techniques to use in some specific situations.
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