ChildrenChris was playing a video game and was unable to get to Level 7 even though he had done it many times before. He pushed away from the computer in a burst of anger that knocked his chair to the floor. When Chris’ mother checked out what was happening, she was met with a litany of “I’m so stupid…. I’m a loser.” This was not new. It seemed like whenever things didn’t go well for Chris he would turn on himself in a harsh manner that just didn’t seem appropriate. After all, Chris was a good student, a very good athlete, and had plenty of friends. The parents became especially concerned when he once said he didn’t deserve to live because he was such a loser.
The parents tried hard to reinforce a more positive self-image for Chris. However, most of the time it was preaching to the converted, because when Chris was calm he could rattle off a list of his positive attributes and his successes. In fact, the parents’ efforts to fix the problem resulted in overstating Chris’ accomplishments to such an extent that it began to lose its value. Chris knew they were exaggerating and soon it became hard to identify what was actually a worthy accomplishment.
There are many children like Chris and there is no single answer as to why these children are prone to being easily frustrated by their occasional failures and to expressing self-contempt.
One factor can be that this is the normal human weakness of overvaluing the negative and minimizing the positive. This happens to adults all the time. You can receive positive feedback about something you do or about your appearance from a number of people, get one negative response, and that is what you focus on. The most common explanation is that we are universally plagued by a degree of self-doubt or shame and that the criticism is experienced as the “truth”, the one person who was honest or the one person who saw through your true lack of competence.
One way of understanding this is going back to Tom Harris’ “I’m Okay, You’re Okay”, a classic, popular book from the 1960’s and recall that he defined the experience of being a child as “You’re Okay, I’m Not Okay.” What he meant was that children are raised in an environment in which adults constantly present as being right and children are constantly told they are wrong and have a lot to learn. A research group studying psychologically healthy families whose parents were rated as excellent found that there was still something like a 19-1 ratio of negative, correcting comments to positive, praising comments.
It’s a problem because children do have a lot to learn about successfully dealing with an endless series of new behaviors. For parents, one of the challenges is to make less of an issue of their children’s “failures”, remembering that one definition of a child is an immature human being, so making lots of mistakes should simply be seen as the norm. Rather than feel so much pressure to correct or fix our children, we should have more confidence that most of these behaviors will be self-correcting and we just need to accept the spilt milk and frequent forgetting of hanging up of jackets. Typically parents automatically and unconsciously maintain the deluge of criticisms while trying to help the child’s self-esteem by trying to create an equal amount of praise.
But many children, like Chris, are going to absorb the negative messages more than the positive ones and feel that they are just not okay. In turn, these children become hypercritical of themselves and then you get the harsh reaction to any perceived failure.
Of course, this is not the only dynamic operating here. Many parents are very conscious about not putting unrealistic pressures on their children but continue to be Type A personalities who are so hard on themselves. Children often identify with who parents are or how they act rather than what they say. So what you get is a reflection of yourselves. Sometimes that can be a useful message to parents about the need to re-evaluate what’s important in life and find a better balance. In addition, many parents suffer from significant depression, causing them to view the world in a very negative way that inevitably is picked up by at least those children who are more sensitive.
Then there is the issue of temperament. Children bring their own personality to the table. While it is malleable and can change over time, some children are, by their nature, shy or irritable or hypersensitive or have a low frustration tolerance. These children may develop negative behaviors like Chris even in supportive environments. Positive parenting will usually prevent the problem from evolving into a more serious childhood disorder but may not totally eliminate the problem.
So what does help a child like Chris? It’s important to keep in mind that children are very concrete. While talking to a child and pointing out all their wonderful attributes and accomplishments is helpful, a child with gnawing self-doubt does not easily absorb it. I find that using some type of tangible reminder to be most helpful. There are a variety of straightforward or creative ways to do this. A daily log or diary listing successes and failures from the day creates a literal black and white reminder. A set of pictures of two characters holding a large number of balloons, one smiling, one sad, can be used with the child coloring in a balloon for each perceived success or failure that day. Two coin banks can be used, with one coin placed in the “Success Bank” or “Failure Bank.” Periodically this is fun because the child can be allowed to spend the money and start over!
By the way some might object to the use of the word “failure”, which may seem harsh. The child can be asked what he or she calls it when something doesn’t work out for them and use whatever word they choose. But remember we are dealing with children who are being hard on themselves and failure is what the child will often use.
Another very important component of helping children to be less negative about their mistakes is for parents to share more about their mistakes. With younger children, use mostly current examples – older children can benefit from hearing about your mistakes from your own youth. This helps to create more realistic expectations and reduce the notion that to be an adult means to not make mistakes (something most adults still grapple with). I had a wonderful opportunity once working with a child who would get very angry whenever he forgot something. His mother had joined us for an update at the beginning of the session and then walked out leaving her keys on the table. The boy smiled as we noted his mother’s forgetting and he then ran after her to return the keys.
Children can be hard on themselves for many reasons. Parents need to differentiate this common occurrence from childhood depression, which is more pervasive, often characterized by low energy and a general lack of pleasure. Children like Chris are often full of energy and generally upbeat, which is what puzzles parents when they hear the harsh self-criticisms. While this is not as serious a problem as depression, if not addressed it can grow into a chronic, negative self-image that becomes harder to change as the years go by.
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