ChildrenSome of the most frequent questions I receive are about children who develop sudden difficulties falling asleep at night. The following are a couple of examples and suggested solutions.
Q. We live in a colonial-style home and my five-year-old-son has begun crying when we leave him in bed at night and go downstairs. This is new. He had been fine for years and there have been no changes in bedrooms or anything like that. He says he’s afraid to be upstairs all by himself. I thought he was just being manipulative because he doesn’t seem afraid in other situations and this is a new thing with him. So after trying to be reassuring, and even spending some extra time with him, I have resorted to letting him cry. However, not only do we find that painful, it is also disruptive to everyone. Any suggestions?
A. It is quite common for 5-6 year-old children to develop a sudden onset of night fears. It may well be related to the developmental shift in awareness of the reality of death. This is the stage when your child vehemently protests flushing that dead goldfish down the toilet and insists upon a proper burial in the back yard! Furthermore, society, and young children in particular, tend to think of death as a kind of permanent sleep….”If I should die before I wake…” So it is not surprising that some children will not want to shut their eyes. This fear is exacerbated when children’s bedrooms are on a separate floor, especially for the oldest child who ends up being there alone.
A couple of strategies may prove helpful. One is to explore the child’s fear/resistance to going to sleep and see if there is anything related to a fear of dying that comes out. Sometimes you need to just ask the question very directly. Then you can explain that death and sleep are not related and that healthy six-year olds don’t die suddenly in their sleep.
Another strategy is to agree to be upstairs until he falls asleep and use the time to get some chores done on the second floor. Don’t agree to stay in his room. In fact, if he keeps calling you in, tell him you will go downstairs. Usually your nearby presence is enough to calm the child and allow him to fall asleep shortly. Meanwhile, your time remains productive.
Finally, consider taking out the intercoms you may not have used since he was an infant and arrange it so he can softly hear the other family members downstairs. While a few children may react by wanting to be part of the action, most will find the soft reminder of not being alone soothing enough to allow them to fall asleep.
Q. My eight-year-old daughter has become afraid that someone might break
into her room at night or that someone is hiding in her closet, which she repeatedly
asks us to check. My friends indicate these are common problems but it seems
to be getting worse and preventing her from getting enough sleep. I would appreciate
any ideas.
A. First, empathize with her. Most of us find the dark a bit scary. Often parents focus first on being reassuring, which sometimes makes the child feel that her voice isn’t being heard. Many parents went through a similar experience. Share that. Helping her to feel that this is normal and that it does go away is reassuring in its own way.
The next step is to explore what might have triggered this. I find that the children with the most vivid imaginations, the creative children, are most vulnerable to this problem because their imagination is so powerful that the images in their mind seem especially real. These are the children who will often be reacting to a book or movie, or, unfortunately in these times, to exposure to the news. Other possible stimuli for this increase in fear can include increased tension/worry at home related to a parental illness or a parent losing a job. If it isn’t being talked about, the child senses something is wrong and her anxiety may come out as a sleep problem.
Another approach uses that vivid imagination that can contribute to the problem as a strength that can help solve the problem. Visual imagery is a form of relaxation training. Have the child practice imagining being in a special safe place. It can be a real place or an imaginary one, but it should be a relaxing image as opposed to an active one. The more vivid the image the more effective it will be. A frequent choice is floating on a raft in a pool. If the child is really good at it she can actually feel the warmth of the sun.
When the child is feeling anxious, she calls up this image and concentrates on it. The image will relax her and may suffice to allow her to fall asleep. Obviously this is a strategy that can be used by parents and children alike to deal with anxiety.
A similar approach is have the child read a very pleasant story before going to sleep and then closing her eyes and thinking about the story. Or, take her scary story about what might happen to her in her room and have her create a book about it with a happy ending in which she is the heroine, or is rescued by real or imaginary characters. The final “story strategy” is for a parent to tape a pleasant story in a very soft voice and have the child listen to it in the dark while falling asleep. It is both a distraction and reassuring to hear the parent’s voice. This, of course, could also be used with the young boy in the previous question.
Finally, if this type of fearfulness persists for more than four to six weeks or if your child is developing increased fears in other parts of her life, then consult with a mental health professional who specializes in working with children.
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