FamilyGetting children to do chores is one of the major complaints parents have, probably rivaled only by getting them to do their homework as a source of family conflict. It is probably no coincidence that both share some common issues: overstated as character builders, boring, and fail to fit the logic of how children view the world.
Probably the greatest myth about chores is that if you teach your children to do them, and starting young is best according to the “chore experts”, these children will learn to be more responsible and will be better students and more productive adults. Wow! Those are impressive credentials. No wonder parents make chores a priority. Who wouldn’t want their children to benefit like that? Except it’s not true. That’s right. It’s not true. Children who learn to do chores without a constant struggle most likely share some of the following characteristics: compliant, very even moods, positive outlook, eager to please, orderly, focused. They have a temperament that is called an “easy child” and usually each family has one of these. These are the same children who also do their homework and perform better in school because their personality fits easily into the demands of school life as well as home life. “Teaching” these children to do chores is easy and they already possess the character traits that are the goals of this process.
But what about the children who have some of these characteristics: creative, distracted, enjoys disorder, is oppositional or challenging, very spirited, high energy. Getting these children to do chores is a constant battle and unlikely to change their core personality. It doesn’t mean that these children will grow up to be irresponsible or unsuccessful adults. These are children who do well primarily when they enjoy what they are doing, have mixed academic success because their personalities aren’t student-types, and are more successful as adults than as children from a productivity perspective. As teens, they usually get great reports from employers because they do better in hands on activities or in situations where the rewards are more real or immediate. It often frustrates rather than pleases parents when they are told how their son with the messy bedroom and who constantly “forgets” to take out the garbage is described as doing a great job cleaning up at the end of a work day. Why doesn’t he do that at home?
Inborn personality characteristics are only one factor influencing a child’s participation in doing chores. Young children have their own logic. For most children it makes no sense to put away toys that are just going to be put back on the floor the next day, to hang up a jacket that is just as easily put on from the floor, or to make a bed that is going to be “unmade” before the day ends. The idea of having a house looking nicer is adult logic not a child’s way of viewing things. There is no sense of the ownership of the home and the pride in keeping it looking good which influences a parent’s viewpoint. There is no sense that it may be easier to manage the house and family if things are where they are supposed to be.
Even as children grow older, say preteen, and some of this is more readily understood, it remains a low priority in their lives because they are much more focused on fitting in socially than fitting in to a family. In addition, the term, chores, is somewhat self-defeating because it conveys no sense of true value. Many adults point to how they and/or their parents had major responsibilities at home. There are always stories of the old days when children worked in the fields or the shops owned by the families or had to go to work at early ages to help the family survive. If children used to do this much work, why can’t they do one or two chores each week? “It’s not like we ask that much of them.” is the plaintiff cry of most parents.
In fact, that is one of the keys underlying issues. We don’t ask that much of our children anymore. Not at home. Not in the community. Mostly we focus on pushing achievement in school and extra-curricula activities believing that this will produce success and happiness in their adult lives because it will result in getting into the best colleges. Yes, this is another one of those myths but not for discussion here!
The reality is that children, even teens, have no really valued role in society anymore. They are supposed to use this time to prepare for some future success. But their stage of development leads most teens to be more focused on their immediate experiences, not their future ones. Thus, teens see chores as nonessential tasks being imposed on them almost as a punishment rather than adding meaning to their lives. Parents, and society, have contributed to this by being over focused on INDIVIDUAL achievement, rather than cooperation, teamwork, and sense of community. School is the ultimate villain in this regard, literally pitting students against each other by creating an incredibly competitive environment, each student being graded in comparison to all peers.
Does all this mean parents should stop asking children to do chores? Generally, the answer to that is no. But it suggests approaching the issue from the child’s perspective and evolving strategies that fit personalities and ages. It also suggests that chores should be seen as part of a larger area of the lives of our children that have become increasingly neglected. This is being a valuable contributor to the welfare of others as opposed to focusing on “being the best you can” which is a very egocentric approach to life. More stress on family and community is needed rather than on achievement. The violence of angry excluded teens in school shootings and the tragic deaths of so many on 9/11 underscore more than ever our need to be focusing on inclusion rather than exclusion, on connection rather than achievement.
Thus, it may help to approach chores as shared tasks, done in partnership, parent and child, with emphasis on assisting but even more on the experience of connecting. “Help me make your bed.” may work better than “Go make your bed.” “Come with me to help with these errands and then we’ll have lunch together.” creates a great opportunity for some one-to-one time that may result in a real opportunity for conversation. Of course one might just skip beds and toys on the floor and focus on tasks that are more obvious in their value – setting and clearing a table for dinner, help in making meals, cleaning clothes. If you really want help getting the house cleaned up, then try setting aside a time when everyone, and I mean everyone, pitches in. Make a team out of the family.
All this also needs to be developed in a way sensitive to the temperament of each child. The right-brained creative dreamer is not going to be very good at self-organizing and self-motivating around tasks that are boring or lacking in meaning. Again, that’s where doing these tasks jointly works better. The eager-to-please child will be an easy helper and can be asked to do things on his own more frequently.
By adolescence, many teens should be making dinner at least once/week and doing their own laundry. These are real life skills they will use soon after leaving home. Is your teen good at math? Why not ask her to balance the family checkbook? If we want our teenagers to be more adult-like, then we need to ask them to do meaningful adult tasks that really make a difference, for us and for them. Really now, how much of a difference does it make in your life if your child takes out the trash once a week?
When we take chores out of the realm of character-building and focus more on team-building, real meaning, and fitting tasks to personality and developmental level, then maybe chores become less of a never ending conflict and evolve into something that makes sense to everyone involved.
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