FamilyRecently, within a 24 hour period, two women, both mothers in their 40’s, described to me, with considerable pain and guilt, their struggle to try and provide care for aging mothers with health problems. There has been a lot written about the “sandwich” generation, adult children taking care of their children and their parents at the same time. It’s a challenge even when there has been a good relationship between the parties over the years. But what happens when that is not the case?
Although this is not exclusively a women’s issue, the fact is that mothers remain the primary caretakers in our society. Often they are not only faced with caring for their own aging parents but end up playing a significant role in caring for their husband’s parents. There are usually a series of potentially negative outcomes when mothers are overtaxed by these substantial demands upon their time and energy. They become physically and emotionally depleted, their relationships with their own children and with their husbands become strained (sometimes seriously so), and they struggle to take care of other responsibilities such as career and friendships. And this is when there is a positive relationship history!
Janet is 43, has two teenage sons, manages her own marketing consulting business from home, and has had a solid marriage with a very supportive husband. Recently her mother’s health took a sudden turn for the worse. Her mother, 76, has a history of being very self-sufficient and, on the surface, appears to have a very reasonable life. But she is one of many older mothers for whom all her negative thoughts and feelings have historically been dumped on Janet, her eldest daughter.
In most families there seems to be one child who is the designated caretaker from an early age on. That child seems to carry the family’s tensions and has often spent a lifetime making sacrifices for other family members, especially the parents. Usually this is the eldest daughter, but not always. Another daughter who is more sensitive and eager to please may take on that role. Of course, if there is no daughter, a son will often take that role.
The problematic Albatross in these relationships is that the “caretaker” child harbors deep resentments because try as they may, whatever they do is never good enough to make their parent happy. This is especially painful for daughter-mother relationships because women feel so obligated to soothe the pain of the people they love and the ties to their mothers are deep and complex.
The groundwork for Janet was laid when her parents divorced when she was 10 years old. Her mother became depressed and even though she eventually was able to become productive and provide for her children as a single parent, the abandonment by her husband negatively colored her outlook on life forever. In the beginning, Janet became the surrogate parent, taking care of two younger siblings, and trying to be the “perfect child” so as not to add to her mother’s burden. As a result, Janet became overly serious, never really being a little girl who could just have fun. As a teenager, she never became rebellious, which intruded on normal developmental limit-testing that helps one to discover more about one’s identity. Over the years, as much as she disliked her mother’s negativity, she found herself becoming more and more like her.
The caretaker role is often exacerbated by the actions of siblings as they become adults. Some will “escape” the negative family mood by choosing to live far away. Others, with a different personality, and different position in the family, will be more in touch with and comfortable expressing their anger at a parent they perceive as never having been there for them. Thus, the situation becomes further complicated by resentment towards siblings who don’t offer to help when their mother needs extra care.
Amy’s situation is another common outcome. She became a nurse! She integrated her history as a caretaker into a successful career. But it also firmly planted her in the role of the primary caretaker as each of her parents developed serious health complications. After all, she was the only child who could really understand all these medical issues and, besides, she actually knew many of the doctors who were involved. She remained living in the same small town as her parents and after her father passed away and her mother required increasing looking after, she eventually was making daily stops to dole out medications, provide meals, and “straighten up.” Her own children were grown by then and her husband was very supportive of Amy. But Amy grew to increasing resent this highly intrusive responsibility, especially since her mother was never appreciative and her siblings lived nearby and could have taken on some of the responsibilities.
The dynamics on the other side of these relationships is understandable. Mothers who have been proudly independent find it embarrassing to have their own child taking care of them. If you add a bit of depression and, sometimes, a touch of dementia, the situation becomes fraught with a lot of negatives. The ultimate crisis is often facing a decision that the care required is beyond what the family can provide and needing to place a highly resistive and resentful parent in a facility that can provide a higher level of care.
But Janet’s situation was not close to that level of decision. Her mother could still take care of herself, even if her house was not always clean, her bills were not always paid, and her meals were not always nutritious. Janet called her mother every day, a very common pattern in these situations. While she would hear her mother’s voice light up when she heard Janet on the other end of the phone, it wasn’t long before the conversation was filled with complaints about how Janet needed to do more for her. This is typically paired with an unacceptable idealization of the other siblings, who are doing nothing to help, but whom the mother compliments, defends, and excuses. So Janet makes all the sacrifices and seems to earn nothing in the eyes of her mother.
Of course, this gets back to the dynamics discussed above. Janet’s mother resents the fact that she needs caretaking and while on some level we can assume there is a smidgen of appreciation, most of what is accessible to her mother is the shame of having her neediness exposed to her daughter. She really doesn’t want her daughter’s help but she has no choice.
A better coping strategy:
My approach in these situations is twofold. One is to help these mothers realize that no matter how much they do, it will never be enough, so less is actually better. Second, making the self a priority is not being selfish. It is a necessary strategy that enables the daughter to replenish herself and have the energy for her own immediate family as well as her personal pursuits. I explain that being selfish is not about putting one’s needs first – something that we all must do to a sufficient degree in order to be healthy adults. Being selfish is when one uses another person to fill our own needs. The parent who is living through a child is being selfish, asking that child to carry the burden of making her/his life meaningful by expecting the child to always be there, to always make the parent’s needs the most important thing in her daughter’s life.
Whenever Janet failed to make her daily phone call or Amy failed to make her daily visit, each was greeted with sarcastic, wounded reactions – “Oh was there something so important that you didn’t have time for me yesterday?”
This just exacerbates the guilt that keeps women like Janet and Amy locked in to their self-sacrificing life patterns. My task is to help absolve them of that guilt. It starts by making them more conscious of the fact that no matter what they do, their mother’s behavior doesn’t change. They could call six times a day and it wouldn’t change their mothers’ way of viewing the world or viewing them. Sure, when they don’t call, they get the anger. But I suspect that as soon as the sarcastic phone call is over, the mother goes off and forgets about it while the daughter struggles with her guilt. In fact, if confronted – a colossal waste of time – the mother would never even acknowledge the anger.
Giving these women permission to reclaim their lives often leads to a dramatic
shift. Not calling/visiting every day. More demands on siblings. Making more
use of community services and friends of the mother. Janet responded by taking
some business courses she had been putting off and by being able to enjoy her
family more. They were very happy to ”get her back.” Amy refocused
on an old interest and began to write poetry after many years of neglecting
an important part of her life. Of course, for some women, the ties that bind
are just too strong. They remain locked in to many of the same behaviors. But
even for them, I find they can allow themselves a little bit of wiggle room
and not to be so hard on themselves.
Back to Family | Back to ParenTalk
Top | Home | My
Practice | Parenting & Marriage Advice | Resources
| Contact
