Marriage
Helping Couples To "Fight Fairly"
There has recently been a splash of articles in the media saying that you can predict which couples are heading for a divorce. According to research by Dr. John Gottman the key is the ratio of hurtful statements to caring statements. He's actually produced a specific set of numbers that is supposed to provide the cut-off point for a couple being at risk. While I can't vouch for Dr. Gottman's mathematics, I can support his basic premise. Typically the most damaged relationships that I work with are those with a history of verbally abusing each other when they get mad. In essence, they don't know how to "fight fairly".
"You're late again. You're always late. You don't have enough brains to figure out how to get ready on time!""You just sit there doing nothing. You're no help around here. You're a jerk, just like your father. Both a couple of losers. No wonder your mother left him!"
"You always scream at the kids. You're crazy. Like the rest of your family."
"I can't stand it when you talk to me that way. You treat me like dirt. You think you're so smart. Then how come you can't even earn enough money for us to have a decent home."
These are actually very mild examples of abusive statements. The ones that really hurt aren't printable. But you should get the idea. All these statements attack the person rather than deal with the issue that has caused the problem. That is the heart of the concept of fighting fairly. Do not attack the other person's character. It's very different to stay focused on the behavior you are angry about. For example, "I can't stand it when you're late. We have got to do something about this." Or, "I keep telling you that I need you to help me. I feel like you don't care when you just sit there."
Point #1, therefore, is to state what bothers you from your experience of the problem without denigrating your partner. Telling a spouse they are crazy, sick, a loser, etc., are such hurtful statements that they not only preclude solving a problem but they leave deep emotional scars that can permanently damage the marriage. The central factor in a successful marriage is that it has to be, emotionally, a safe place. Hurting your spouse with words tells them you cannot be trusted with their feelings and that's the key in the breakdown of communication. No one wants to reveal themselves if they are going to be attacked at a later date. Which is why the primary complaint of all the couples who come to see me is poor communication.
Thus, the attacked spouse must try not to react to the personal attack but to point it out as off limits, essentially saying you will only work on the issue if that's retracted, otherwise the discussion is over. The offender needs to apologize and try to restate the distress in more strict behavioral terms, specifically what the person did that upset you.
Point #2 is to stay on the topic. This includes not making references to alleged family traits ("You/re just like your mother/father." is the most frequently used sore spot that immediately ends progress in solving an issue.). Also, one spouse is usually very adept at bringing up an old example of the current problem. The other will be "shocked" that it is still an issue and they are off and running in the wrong direction. Then, there are endless examples of just slipping in other issues that are bothering you but which you haven't gotten around to mentioning. However, while you're angry, you decide it's a good time to clean out some emotional baggage you've been carrying around in recent weeks. Again, it results in sabotaging the process and serves as a reminder that if something is bothering you, don't carry it around, talk about it. Otherwise it just festers and smolders until it comes out when it shouldn't.
Point #3 is that if one of you is getting too angry to avoid saying hurtful things, by prearranged agreement, use the time out signal and take a walk until you've cooled down. The other spouse must allow this but in return, there must be a kept promise of returning to discuss the issue at a later date (a specific time that day or the next - no more than 24 hours should pass). The old notion of not going to bed angry is valid - I urge couples to try to have the issue resolved before going to sleep. If that's not possible, then express an expectation it will be resolved and end the day with a hug and confirmation of caring about each other despite some unresolved anger about a specific issue.
Point #4 is to learn is to learn conflict resolution skills. There are workshops offered on the subject and parts of Fisher and Ury's best-seller, "Getting To Yes", should be read by all couples (and parents). More space is needed to adequately cover this topic so I'll promise a future column on the subject. In the meantime, remember two key points. When someone starts to criticize you, your immediate reaction is to mentally begin to prepare your defense. Instead, concentrate on making sure you understand what they are trying to say and give them feedback about what you think they are saying BEFORE you begin to respond to the issue. Second, the objective in every disagreement is to find a solution where both parties can walk away feeling like a winner. That is a challenge and it takes work to learn how to do that. But if successful, it helps save marriages, as well as parent-child relationships and jobs. That should make it worth the effort to learn.
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