Marriage
The "Gender Dance" When Families Grow
Phil and Lorraine had been married for eight years when they came to my office. Their complaints had a familiar ring to them. She says, "We don't communicate enough." He says, "She's always mad at me." She says, "He doesn't help enough." He says, "Pressures at work are enormous, but I bathe the kids and read them stories at night." She says, "We don't have a social life anymore." He says, "She spends too much." She responds that she is very careful about money. Each continues to list criticisms of the other while simultaneously defending themselves. This isn't communication, it's courtroom TV!
A funny thing happens to couples on the way to developing a happy marriage. In the beginning they are enveloped in the soft, billowy clouds of romantic love where each partner seems devoted to the needs of the other, so understanding and easy to talk to. Ease of communication and having fun together are classic hallmarks of falling in love. Often this process continues with only minor bumps until children arrive. Now much has been made of the negative impact of children on the parents' marriage. Certainly the needs of each child reduce time and energy that used to be devoted to the marriage. Putting the needs of the marriage on the back burner, consciously or unconsciously, is one of the unfortunate errors many couples make. Nothing is more important to the security and happiness of your children than investing as much as possible in your marriage. Sacrificing marital intimacy, physical or emotional, in order to do more for or with the children increases the risk that the children will end up with parents who live in two different homes.
Which brings me to the "gender dance" triggered by the arrival of children. Mothers, regardless of the role of paid employment in their lives, typically experience a surge in "nesting needs." They want to create a strong sense of family, create a meaningful home life, and, this is especially significant, want their husbands to show an INCREASE in their investment of time and caring towards the newly expanded family. With each additional child, this need for more help from their husbands, partly practical, partly symbolic, grows substantially.
Fathers, even if they are not the primary wage earner, have a very different response to the arrival of children: an intense surge of responsibility to be a better provider. As a result, they INCREASE their investment outside the home at the very time their wives are asking them to do the very opposite! For fathers who are not especially successful, even if it's just in their own eyes, they may not actually do more to enhance their careers. Instead their shame and anxiety about being an inadequate provider may result in simply making non-work commitments to avoid being at home where they feel so vulnerable and inadequate. For fathers who can earn more by working harder, they plunge headlong into extended work commitments, powered by a strong belief that they are doing this for their family.
As a result of this "dance", wives feel abandoned and become both depressed and angry, while husbands become angry at the accusations that they are not doing enough. This often triggers a sense of betrayal and disillusionment with the original beliefs of trust and safety that formed the glue of their marriage. Often, the couple escalates the problem by dredging up peripheral issues and becoming chronically combative.
In helping Phil and Lorraine recognize the core issues of this "gender dance", there was a new appreciation for what each other was experiencing and true communication began anew (that's when people actually listen to each other). Often there are historical issues that need to be recognized. Lorraine had painful memories of a relatively absent father growing up and Phil's father had been a good provider until his business suddenly went under when Phil was 15. After that life was never the same. These childhood experiences typically exacerbate the "dance."
Phil began to work at recognizing that he was important to his family in ways other than his earnings potential. Lorraine learned how to be less critical of Phil's efforts at parenting and to be more sensitive about giving subtle messages that the children were a priority over the marriage. A new dance began to take place, a bit old-fashioned perhaps - you know - where the partners actually hold each other close!
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