FamilyA few months ago I was watching public TV’s annual drive to raise money.
One of the primary offers for your pledge was a video of the "Doo Wop"
music of the ‘50s and early ‘60s. In addition to playing many of my
favorite songs they showed old media news clips referring to this as "the
devil’s music", wanting it banned because of the harm it was doing
to the teenagers. As part of that generation I recall it as a very superficial
time when most of us did what we were told and only minimally challenged prevailing
expectations. That led me to think about the next generation, the Boomers, who
rioted, challenged authority, used drugs heavily, and turned sex into a recreational
activity. By now you may be wondering what this has to do with holiday gifts!
Bear with me.
It is a time-honored tradition for each generation of teens to engage in some
new set of activities that is perceived as dangerous to their development and
to blame contemporary social influences on individual tragedies that take place
during those years. In the psychologizing of America we have come to extend
this concept of social influence all the way back to prenatal experience! The
net result is that parents agonize even more over every move they make and how
it might harm their children. If your daughter is allowed to buy a Britney Spears’
doll you are accused of increasing the likelihood that she will either become
oversexed or develop an eating disorder. If you buy your son a violent video
game you are similarly warned that you are increasing the likelihood he will
commit a violent crime. Oh if life were only so simple.
Eating disorders are a serious concern in our society as is male violence. But
these are complex problems and our ability to predict which child develops one
of these problems is virtually nil. For decades millions of young girls have
spent endless hours playing with Barbie dolls and boys have been exposed to
ever-increasing violence in all forms of the media. While we are genuinely concerned
about the extent of eating disorders and violence in our society, the facts
are that the vast majority of women do not develop an eating disorder and the
vast majority of men do not commit violent crimes. The actions of individuals
are a complex playing out of the interaction of temperament, neurochemistry,
personal experience, and social influence. Furthermore, significant problems
during childhood and adolescent years do not mean doom for one’s adult
life. We are extraordinarily resilient creatures. Need I point out that the
seemingly out-of-control behavior by our youth from the mid-‘60s to the
mid-‘70s spawned a generation of free thinkers. They created an unparalleled
era of prosperity based mostly on an endless creation of self-owned businesses
combined with exceptional gains in medicine and science that has also included
dramatic changes in gender roles and a new melting-pot society. That’s
you I’m talking about – the majority of today’s parents.
So when you go to buy your child some holiday presents I would urge you to be
less influenced by the current doomsayers and more influenced by your own values.
Too many parents have become confused and overwhelmed by all the advice that
people like me send streaming forth. It’s a challenge to separate out what
really matters. For a long time I have urged parents to believe that what really
matters is to have a close bond with their children by learning how to enjoy
them and see their strengths despite how challenging that is with certain children.
In addition I urge parents to know what they believe in and provide some consistency
for their children by being willing to take the heat for standing behind their
values. Your daughter can own a Spears’ doll but if you feel the clothes
she wants to wear are too provocative, say no. You may find certain video games
cross a line of acceptability because of excessive violence or the values expressed
(e.g., bigotry). Say no.
If these concepts resonate with you then it follows that you should buy gifts
that you find acceptable for your children and that will be a part of
a holiday experience that has personal meaning for the family rather than a
temporary material meaning. As adults, few remember their childhood holiday
gifts. Warm holiday memories usually consist of the sense of traditions that
include sights and sounds and smells that are associated with a sense of family
closeness. If you can achieve that then you are having meaningful holidays.
Furthermore, that closeness is the strongest factor in increasing the likelihood
that your children will ultimately make healthy decisions about their lives.
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