Family
How To Create a Positive Holiday Season
It's December. It's the holiday season. It is a time that is supposed to be dominated by a sense of warmth, family closeness, and spirituality. Instead it is dominated by stores that never close, lists that never get completed, and, for many, a growing sense of disenchantment with what they are doing. I am bombarded with questions of how to keep children from only seeing this as a time for receiving gifts, how parents (especially dual-income or single parents) can possibly take on all the extra work expected of them, and how to cope with the growing number of complex family structures included separated, divorced, remarried, interfaith, and culturally diverse.
In one sense the answer is simple. Take back the holidays from the purveyors of "commerciality", examine what you really believe the holidays should be, and don't be afraid of establishing new traditions that reflect a more spiritual, meaningful celebration which would benefit self, children, and community. This requires a certain courage because children have come to expect lots of presents, friends and relatives expect presents and/or visits, and the economy cries out for you to save the country by spending as much money as possible, whether anybody needs these things or not.
This year I am actually hearing more young families describe changes which include fewer but more carefully thought through gifts, more homemade gifts, foods, and decorations, and attempts to bring more spiritually related rituals into the holiday celebrations. I am especially excited to hear how many more families are seeking ways of giving to the poor, sick, hungry, and homeless. What a wonderful way to teach good human values to your children. By the way, the December issue of The Boston Parents' Paper has a multi-page list of community agencies where you can donate time, money, or much needed food and clothing.
To make such changes means that you need to stop and question what you really want the holidays to mean to you and your family. Husbands and wives need to talk about their values and to create realistic expectations that actually fit available time and money. Cut back on quantity and scope; substitute focus, depth, and quality. This includes sorting out interfaith issues and learning about diverse ethnic practices in families whose members represent more than one cultural background. In both situations the key is being open to the ideas and feelings of each family member and being willing to create some new ways of doing things. Though sometimes we get stuck in wanting to try to recapture an idealized image of our childhood holidays, it is often surprising how valuable it becomes to generate unique traditions that serve to define the specialness of your present family.
In the case of divorced and/or remarried families, this can be a very painful time because there are issues of loss that may not have been resolved (This is also true for any family who has suffered the death of a close family member or friend during the year. The first holiday without that special person must include some way to openly allow for the continuation of normal grieving.) The challenge for families that have become reconstituted is to be willing to compromise on past traditions and develop new ways of dealing with the holidays that are fair to all parties. It may mean extended families also need to understand that some of the children may not be there for the traditional holiday dinner or that everyone can't be around the tree at the same time on Christmas morning.
Chanukah has the advantage of being celebrated for eight days and that often allows for an easier sharing. But Christmas can also be celebrated over an extended period. This would make it easier to meet the complex needs of stepfamilies or simply allow enough time for rest and reflection. The frenzied nature of the holidays takes too great a toll on parents. Meanwhile, children often have difficulty with rising levels of excitement and expectations followed by the inevitable letdown. Spreading out the celebration and lowering the level of intensity can benefit everyone.
Remember, the holidays are not a time to place salve on parental guilt by giving more things to your children. How many holiday gifts are still being used AND appreciated by mid-January? How many holiday gifts do you recall from your own childhood? In reality it is the repeated traditions that we learn to love and cherish, especially if they are designed with the children in mind, and have special warmth, closeness, and aromas associated with them!
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