Teen
Isolation at Core of Adolescent Woes
A recently completed ten-year study of adolescent development suggests nearly half of all teens are struggling with drugs, alcohol, premature sexual activity, violence, eating disorders, and depression. While every generation perceives its adolescents as in trouble, there are growing signs that many of our teens are digging deep holes for themselves and taking their frustrated, scared parents with them. Personally or professionally, I have been involved with teenagers of every decade since the Fifties. There are always problems. Does it really matter if it's worse now? Not really. Bottom line is that there is enough evidence to suggest the problem deserves some meaningful responses. Therein lies the rub. All the study groups recognize that the issues are incredibly complex and the recommendations are usually so daunting that they never take root.
My response to this is to try to focus on a central issue and build some recommendations around it, This is not meant to be "THE ANSWER", just a way we can respond, as parents and as a community.
The central issue is "isolation." Teens are isolated from family and community; parents are isolated from the rest of the parent community and from schools. Our society has lacked a meaningful role for adolescents ever since family farms and family shops stopped dominating our economic structure. Increasingly, school has been made the priority for adolescent lives, even though it has only long-term payoffs, is not the area of strength for most children, and has very little relationship to the skills needed to be successful in the real world. The parent-child relationship is often reduced to parents being an extension of the classroom, nagging teens about their homework and performance. Parents constantly deliver an ominous message that the world is a cruel, voracious place that will simply devour these future adults unless they are successful NOW.
Real conversation has disappeared. Between husband and wife. Friends. Certainly between parent and child. Having fun with one's teen is a lost skill, each blaming the other for its disappearance. Most teens do not have a significant relationship with an adult. Many do not have a close relationship with a parent. This exacerbates the normal emphasis on peer relationships as the source of identity, education, and nurturance. Increasingly, it has become the blind leading the blind. Plus, for those teens who don't fit into some teen subgroup, the pain is enormous.
Isolation. We are all suffering from it. The suggested solution is the re-creation of community: family community, parenting community, school community, and community community.
Family community means not accepting the adolescent's withdrawal, spending time trying to enjoy your teen and understand his/her world, make sure there are some family dinners, family rituals that everyone must participate in, less emphasis on policing school work and more on finding some mutual activity that can be enjoyed, reducing adolescent commitments if it is interfering with family life (which also means reducing your own for the same reason), and insisting that you know where your kids are (especially afternoons) regardless of your teen's alleged anger at having to call in or about being restricted to being at home with no friends in the house. But remember that if you want to pull the plug on TV, the Internet, or the telephone, you must provide an alternative to reduce the increased isolation.
Parent community means talking to each other about what is happening out there, letting each other know when you hear concerns about another parent's kid (we must stop being so ashamed and defensive about our children's behavior), keeping an eye out for each other's children, and calling to see if there will be adult supervision during the afternoon gathering or the evening party (ignore the complaints that nobody else's parents do it - then everyone will be doing it).
School community means parents and teachers must TRULY work together. It rarely happens. Mutual respect is lacking. We blame each other for problems rather than team together to find solutions. Teachers and counselors who do show concern are often pushed away by defensive parents. (Why do we have so much trouble accepting help?) Schools need major restructuring. They no longer fit the needs of our society. At the very least, find a way, through special credit programs, to identify the strengths of adolescents and encourage expression of interests in art, poetry, politics, drama, investment, whatever...we need a way to help vulnerable kids feel successful, valued, and liked...NOW.
Community community means looking at teens as a positive resource and not a threat to our safety and sanity. Increased roles in child care and elder care, activity centers, churches and synagogues doing more than offering more academic responsibilities (than, again, if parents are lost spiritually, what can we expect from our children). Tie together school and community by offering academic credit for community service. Remember, the most important skill our teens must learn to be successful is effective human relations - the most important value to teach is caring for others. Achieving these will reduce isolation and the problems associated with it.
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