Marriage
Marital Conflict: Learning to Listen
In general we are all terrible listeners. Usually within a matter of seconds our minds already begin to drift from a 100% focus on what the other person is saying. Not surprising if you think about the millions of wires in the brain, all the information stored there and how many issues are of concern to us at any given moment. The verbal skills that make us such a unique species often serve as one of the barriers to the potential for intimacy that they appear to offer. The process of not listening becomes especially evident if the speaker is saying something critical or raising an unpleasant topic. The listener immediately is busy preparing a defense or an escape. Once that happens, little is heard, even less is understood.
Jennifer thinks they should enroll their 6 year old in private school. Steve doesn't agree. Every time the subject comes up they just repeat the same arguments: It made a big difference in my life; the public schools don't provide the quality they used to; I went to public school and did fine; we can't afford it. Often the "discussion" either escalates and gets personal - your family spoiled their kids, just look at your brother and all the problems he's having; it doesn't cost as much as you spend on golf, your not very involved with your children - or one of the spouses just walks away, refusing to get into another argument.
The list of topics are virtually endless. Couples in my office start fighting about money management, disciplining children, helping at home, making unilateral decisions, involvement with extended family, feelings of not being loved, dealing with ex-spouses and stepchildren, forgetting, failing to call, being moody, lack of affection or sex, and not feeling appreciated, to mention a few.
The pattern is virtually always the same. One spouse expresses a concern or criticism and the other quickly seeks for the fallacy in what was said. They begin an argument about "truth." They argue about the exact frequencies, the exact words, and promote the exceptions to the point being made, all of which is about building intractable positions which cannot be resolved and almost inevitably result in an escalating anger which leads to the most destructive force in marriages, the personal attack. Cruel accusations of a spouse's partner leave scars that often never heal and sabotage the trust and sense of safety that is the required core of a successful relationship,
I constantly remind couples there is no "truth", only personal perceptions that are inevitably distorted. So arguing about how many times someone actually did that or what was actually said is a waste of effort and prevents resolution. Second, I stress that the couple is talking "at" each other, not "with" each other. There is a marked difference between hearing and listening. The latter refers to actually understanding what someone means, rather than making assumptions about the meaning. It is also the first step in successful conflict resolution, which builds off the statement of Steven Covey ("The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People"; read it often): "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Try to understand how the other person is viewing the issue. Try to see the world through your spouse's eyes, not your own. It can lead to a very different form of agreement: "If I were you, I would probably feel the same way." It doesn't mean you agree with the position, just that you can now understand and validate it since it is an understandable perspective once you know the "why" for that person. Just being able to validate reduces the tension and opens your spouse up to the idea of compromise. Of course, if you understand the real meaning of your spouse's position, you may find yourself softening your own opposition.
Steve kept asking questions to try to understand why Jennifer felt so strongly about the private school issue. By doing that instead of trying to simply rebut, he learned that his wife felt she lacked a strong education and didn't feel as smart as her husband or many of their friends. She also felt that Steve found lots of time to do his own things and wasn't spending enough time with her and the children. It made her feel like she was low on the list of his priorities. Even though he didn't agree with everything she was saying, his was able to say that if he was carrying those feelings around, he would probably be saying the same thing. Jennifer felt "heard" for the first time in a long time.
Once there is understanding, you try to establish what goals are common to both positions. They wanted their children to have a very good education and they wanted to have a good marriage. They decided the immediate priority was the latter issue. This joint decision reduced one of Jennifer's complaints about unilateral decisions. Then they tried to do some problem solving. One of the common errors here is to try to find a quick solution. It is much better to generate a list of possibilities. Be creative, even silly. Review the options and gradually narrow the choices until you are both comfortable with one or more new solutions. In this case, the couple focused on the lack of time that they were spending alone. Children, work, and social commitments had virtually eliminated time just for themselves. They also recognized that one of the fun parts of their early years together was an openness to trying new experiences. Their list of choices was to have lunch once a week, to make every other Saturday night a "date", and to sign up for a kayaking course this Spring.
In this marriage, the argument about private school masked some other more central issues. Once that was understood and the couple applied the concepts of "win-win" solutions (where each person feels he/she is getting something positive from the outcome), they took some very positive steps that has resulted in a stronger marriage, which in turn creates a relationship where other issues are resolved more successfully.
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