Marriage
Do Mothers Really Want To Share Parenting?
"Why did you send her to school dressed like that! Don't you know stripes and checks don't mix. Can't you even dress the kids without my help?"
"Why are the kids still up? I can't even go out for one evening without having to worry about the children."
"That was the third time you fed them hot dogs this week. It's so bad for them to eat that junk. How can I get this project done if you're gonna' make them sick?"
A few months ago, while speaking to a group of fathers, a lively discussion developed on one subject in particular: the fathers thought they were getting mixed messages from their wives about sharing parental responsibilities. They expressed frustration and anger because their wives asked them to be more involved, and then criticized them for not doing things "the right way". Are the men as inept as the attacks imply? Maybe some of the time. But, more often, in my own experience as a therapist, it appears that mothers are ambivalent about giving up control in the parenting domain.
Historically, mothers have resided at the center of the family - the "glue that holds the family together". Although this role may have been underappreciated (and underpaid), it was clearly defined and very important. In recent years, as mothers have increasingly held jobs outside the home, the parameters of their work inside the home have changed. The work traditionally performed by a mother is often, by necessity, filled by others. Nevertheless, many women, even those with major career commitments, appear reluctant to give up the role of primary caretaker. The reasons for this seem to include: 1) guilt: after generations of bearing responsibility for the family, most women continue to feel responsible; 2) competence: women and men continue to believe that women really are better at parenting than their male counterparts ; 3) uniqueness: being the primary caretaker has provided women a special role within the marriage, family, and society, and they are unwilling to relinquish it. Thus, while women both want and need a shared-parenting style, they are also experiencing strong resistance to such a change. These conflicting forces are often subtle and difficult to identify.
The fathers in my group were almost unanimous in their distress, and their complaints were similar. They felt criticized by their wives when they carried out their parental responsibilities. A few acknowledged that their own ambivalence about the increased parenting may have contributed to poor performance. But not for most; they simply felt their wives were beating them down at a task for which they already lacked self- confidence.
The first step in solving this problem is for mothers and fathers to openly acknowledge their ambivalence. Then they must work on the issues as they arise, rather than allowing them to sabotage the process. Perhaps the fathers do make "mistakes", or are not serious enough about what they are doing, or, simply look at some of the tasks differently. In fact, all of these can be true. But, if mothers really want more help, they need to be approving, supportive, and less critical of their husbands' efforts at parenting.
Furthermore, men are unlikely to take their fathering roles seriously unless their their wives do. So, mom, the next time you come home from a meeting and the kids are still running around the house, don't start screaming about your husband's incompetence or proceed to take over the job of getting them to bed. Instead, give your husband a hug, tell him the meeting was great, and go off to read the paper while he gets the kids into bed.
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