Marriage
Married Couples Need a Director On the Set
Ann was upset. It had been an especially tough day and when she arrived home, Jon was already there. She walked in and saw that he hadn't gotten Geoffrey into his nightie. Among the many thoughts swirling around in her head, she had visions of Jon being at his computer and not taking care of parenting responsibilities. Her first words were, "Why isn't the baby ready?", in a tone of voice influenced by a mixture of anger, frustration, and tiredness. Jon was immediately defensive and an argument ensued. One more emotional scar on a strained marriage.
The kids were finally asleep and Frank walked into the living room with the intention of sharing a couch with Mary while he read a book. His wife was already collapsed into the corner of the sofa, probably ready to pass out from exhaustion. Frank's intentions were honorable but his perfectionistic, critical nature once again did him in. Some of the kids' clothes and toys were scattered about and his first words were "Doesn't this mess bother you?". Mary quickly expressed her displeasure with his comment and an argument ensued. One more emotional scar on a strained marriage.
Colleen and Michael were discussing plans for Saturday afternoon. Each had "must do" items and wanted help with child care to free up time to get things done. As the conversation continued and neither party was pleased with the perceived commitment of the other to helping solve her/his needs, the tone of the discussion became increasingly negative. Before long, as happened all too often, other issues crept into the process and it became an angry exchange, with some bitter and very personal accusations dredged up by both parties. An argument ensued. One more emotional scar on a strained marriage.
Marriage is dependent on effective communication. Whether it is to solve a problem, to share a dream, or to be a means of confirming that one cares, the words, tone of voice, non-verbal expressions, and problem-solving skills are the core fabric of a successful relationship. Virtually every couple I see begins the process by announcing that they have a communication problem. Much is covered under such an umbrella of issues and many different strategies must be tried to generate successful change. Here is one of those strategies.
Replay the scene. Make believe there is a movie director sitting there watching the start of this communication and as soon as it begins to take on a negative tone, someone yells "Cut!" and you are to start the scene over from the top, just like when someone actually screws up a script during filming. Both spouses bear an equal responsibility to recognize that the situation has started going bad and either party, hopefully both, will use some agreed-upon signal to stop the conversation at once. You can signal time-out with your hands or say any words that call recognition to the problem and require the other person to stop talking immediately.
One effort to change the process is to first physically, then verbally, replay the scene. This means to literally walk back out the door of the house or the room, come in again, and restart the conversation ("script") with a conscious effort to be more positive in words, tone, and intent.
Jon says , "Ouch! Can you come in the door a second time and try a more positive approach?" Ann agrees, commenting as she exits that it's been rough day. She re-enters and says hello to her husband, walks up to him and initiates a kiss. He hugs her and says "You look wiped". Ann briefly describes a problem at work that was very upsetting. Jon listens, is sympathetic, and suggests she just unwind for a few minutes while he gets Geoffrey ready for bed. An argument doesn't ensue. The marriage feels safer. An emotional scar is avoided.
Mary says, "Cut!; Try coming in again". Tom immediately realizes he had good intentions before entering the room, so he leaves and returns quietly to sit next to his wife and begins to read. Mary shifts her position in order to place her head on his shoulder and curl her arm around his. There is a quiet feeling of connection. An argument doesn't ensue. An emotional scar is avoided.
Colleen and Michael use a slightly different version of this technique. Whether standing or sitting, as anger begins to creep into the discussion, someone says "Anger!" and each moves one step further away. This disrupts the potential for the anger to just overwhelm the conversation, making each spouse more conscious of the need to refocus on trying to find an acceptable compromise. They start the conversation over. If they continue to "lose it", they will soon be in different rooms! As the physical distance increases, it not only becomes symbolic of how they are pushing each other away instead of working together, but it also begins to look silly and tends to make it harder to hold onto the anger. At one point, Colleen and Michael return from being several feet apart, sit next to each other, and work out the problem. An argument doesn't ensue. An emotional scar is avoided.
This is just one strategy. It's not meant to be a magical solution to communication problems. However, it recognizes that we are only human with all the frailties that come with that designation. This is a way to give a couple a second chance to have a successful moment.
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