ChildrenNightmares are a common part of childhood. The world is often a scary place for children who are too young to understand many of the events in their lives. Scary dreams are a reflection of their internal distress about these events.
Usually nightmares occur infrequently and require very little intervention on the part of parents. Just listening to a child retell the story and being empathetic often suffices. If a child is awakened and needs comforting, do so by hugging, sitting in the room until the child falls back to sleep, or, if a child is really upset, allowing him to come to bed with you. Yes, many people advise not to do the latter because this might establish a pattern of your child sleeping with you. But I don’t think you need to worry about that if a child is just having the typical occasional nightmare.
But what happens when a child is having frequent nightmares? Initially just do the above because a child may have nightmares several times over a short period of time and then they go away. No sense in making a big issue of something unless it really is a big issue. If nightmares persist for several weeks, and especially if it begins to affect the child’s ability to go to sleep, then it is time to try some additional strategies.
What is upsetting the child?
A starting point is explaining to the child that scary dreams are often a way our mind lets us know that something is upsetting us and we need to try to fix the problem. Then see if the child can identify anything upsetting in his/her life. It could be a scary story that was read or TV show or movie that was seen. It could be a problem in school, a social issue such as rejection or a threat by a bully. It may be something from current news or something overheard in the home. Remember that children are almost always more aware of problems in the family than parents believe. Not talking to them about medical or financial or relationship problems isn’t really protecting them. It is leaving them to their own devices to deal with the tension they are sensing or a piece of overheard conversation. It is better to give children permission to ask about what might be going on.
If a child is able to identify a problem and talk about it that may suffice to provide the necessary relief. The parent encourages the child to do some problem solving, assists as necessary, or simply provides some information that helps to relieve the child’s concerns. The frequent concern about scary monsters under a bed or in a closet can be dealt with by talking about how you had the same fears as a child -- most of us did – or using the traditional nightlight. The key strategies are normalizing, empathizing, and saying that scary dreams usually stop within a matter of days or a few weeks.
When the nightmares continue.
If a few weeks go by and it is getting worse, then it may be time to try some other strategies. Two of my favorites are turning the nightmares into a book and empowering children within the nightmare.
The book concept is simply to have the child write out the story (with your help if the child is too young to write) and create pictures of the threatening figures and scary events. Sometimes just getting it on paper makes it less terrifying. But typically the helpful twist here is to have the child come up with ways to defeat the monster and have a happy ending. Then redo the book to reflect the changes. This often suffices to help the child feel more in control of her fears.
The empowering model is to emphasize to the child that it is her dream. She is in it and she can change the show just like directors do. You might ask who is powerful enough to help the child defeat the monsters or what would make the child a superhero and be able to defeat those scary creatures. One child wore a purple plastic ring to sleep. It was her superpowers ring and in her dream it allowed her to defeat the monsters. Another child brought her favorite stuffed animal into the dream to help her to victory while another brought her pet dog. (Sorry parents, you are not usually the invited savior!) This is taking advantage of the very creativity that makes nightmares a problem and helping the child use it to solve the problem.
A similar, simpler concept sometimes also works. Telling the child to think of a dream as a video or TV show that they are watching in their sleep and that they can turn it off or change the channel/video.
If it still doesn’t go away?
Some children have an anxious temperament and tend to worry a lot. These children may have more persistent nightmares. Other children may be suffering from a past or ongoing trauma such as parents divorcing or a 9/11 type of trauma. Nothing is working because the problem is too overwhelming for the child to get it under control. Sometimes the parent can’t help because the parent is either a part of the problem (as in a divorce) or is unable to manage his or her own anxieties about the issue (as in the post-traumatic stress from 9/11 that many families are still struggling with). In any of these situations it makes sense to seek help from a mental health professional who specializes in working with children.
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