Marriage
When Parents Disagree
Q: My two year old was continually hammering his toys against the wall. After asking him to stop three times I attempted to discipline him by giving him a time out. In front of my child, my husband told me I was being too harsh. He and I have two different approaches to discipline. I feel he is too lenient, he feels I am too angry. How do we discipline the child in a timely manner when we can't agree on how it should be done?
A: It is not unusual for parents to have different approaches to discipline. You are influenced by different personalities, different gender-related perspectives, and different experiences as children. It is important to understand the roots of the differences and to try to find some acceptable middle ground. For example mothers spend much more time interacting with children. This contributes to a more practical approach to parenting; find what works and go with it. Mothers are also the parenting "experts" and fathers feel very vulnerable when sharing this responsibility. They are likely to be criticized for either not doing enough or doing it wrong. This sometimes causes fathers to be rigid in their approach. Rigidity is often there for mothers as well because of the sense of urgency; too much to do, not enough time to get it done.
These parenting-style differences contribute to one of the primary issues between mothers and fathers: polarization. In a healthy marriage, husbands and wives are accepting of each other and communicate frequently enough about their differences so that over time they "converge", i.e., grow closer. In more conflicted relationships, the couple "diverges" over time. In other words, they don't simply become stuck in a position but, instead, exaggerate that position in response to the other spouse. Thus, a more lenient parent becomes even more so in response to perceiving the other parent as too strict. Of course, then the strict parent becomes more so in response to the increased leniency. And so it goes. Throw into the pot, children who learn to play off these differences to get what they want, and you have a recipe for turmoil.
Your example provides a context for guidelines. Do not criticize or change the other parent's discipline in front of the child, nor undermine that discipline when the other parent isn't around. It is okay to acknowledge a difference of opinion, call a time-out, go off to discuss it, and come back with a joint solution. You are modeling one of the important lessons for children when parents can have a disagreement and come back with a solution.
Your problem, like many other parents, is that you have not settled your different views on discipline and shouldn't be doing it via a specific situation where the child gets put in the middle. You need to make time to discuss and understand each other's perspective about discipline, how it is affected by your personal experiences and your gender roles, and how you can take advantage of the differences by having a place in the process for each parent.
Q: My husband believes in "running a tight ship" and is rigid about bed-time, naps and picking up toys. I am more lenient and flexible. How do we use these two different discipline styles to our advantage in raising our children?
A: By developing an honest mutual respect for each other's style and recognizing that each is valid if it doesn't get pushed to an extreme. Children thrive best in an authoritative, not authoritarian, environment. In other words, clarity of rules and expectations, some reasonable consistency in consequences, but with an opportunity for input from both parents and the child as opposed to a rigid, inflexible system. When each parent feels their contribution is valued, there is more likelihood of cooperative parenting.
When parents disagree, it often helps to divide up responsibilities. For example, your husband might oversee bedtime because it is good for children to have a consistent routine and it is often a time of day when mothers are running on empty and could use some relief. But, if you agree to do that, let go of it. Allow your husband to truly be responsible and let him learn more about parenting in the process. This will create a more common experience base for further discussions about parenting and help you to "converge" over time.
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