ChildrenQuestions About Taking Responsibility
Q. With my 5 y.o. son in kindergarten this year, I finally have a few hours alone. I would like to set aside some time for myself. The problem is that my 7 y.o. daughter causes such a fuss every morning that I'm too upset to enjoy my brief respite. She fights with me about what to wear (even though I help her pick it out the night before) and what to eat. She wanders off into playing and loses track of time. Sometimes I am literally dragging her out to the car to get her to school on time. I feel like I've lost control, like she's running the show. Help!
L.C.
A. The central issue here is probably the common parental problem of taking on a responsibility that belongs to your children, which prevents them from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions. Mrs. C. is worried about being late to school. Since she accepts that responsibility, her daughter doesn't need to, knowing that her mother will get her there, one way or another. The daughter's willingness to accept all this negative attention also suggests that she might feel that she's not getting enough positive attention. Let's combine these two issues into a new strategy for the mornings.
Find a calm moment in the evening to talk with your daughter about the morning problem. Find out how she perceives the situation, i.e., is she also unhappy about it? If so, sometimes just asking the child to suggest a solution can be sufficient to bring about a positive change. But, if that doesn't work, explain to her that you are changing the rules a bit. From now on it is not your worry about whether or not she gets to school on time. If she's late, she's late. You may also want to establish that you won't drive her to school unless she has eaten a reasonable breakfast so that skipping breakfast is not a viable alternative to getting out on time. This underscores your probable belief in good nutrition. Explain that you will give her only one extra wakeup call and only one "time-reminder" about fifteen minutes before she's supposed to be ready. In the morning, spend the time no longer used battling with your child to enjoy your own breakfast. In fact, one of the added rewards for your daughter to make it to the table with a minimum of fuss can be the opportunity to have breakfast with you.
Sure, the first day or two may not go so well. In fact, she is almost certain to be late because she won't believe you are really going to follow through with this. But not to worry. Children do not want to be late to school, walking in to an already quiet classroom and suddenly being different from everyone else. Usually it only takes one such embarrassment and the child gets her act together. (If you are a working parent and need to leave at the same time, try to arrange some extra flexibility for a few mornings until the problem is resolved.)
One of the by-products of this approach is that your daughter will experience a sense of accomplishment in getting herself ready that will enhance her self-esteem. It will also enable you to enjoy her more. In fact, when she is successful, it's a nice touch to add a small piece of some extra playtime, saying that her success has given you more free time and you want to share some of that with her.
Q. I am a single parent. My son is seventeen, has his own car and works to earn his own spending money. I grounded him last weekend for breaking curfew. On Friday night, he announced that he was not missing an important party and walked out the door. He's 6'2". I couldn't stop him. How do you negotiate with someone who believes he can do whatever he wants?
J.L.
A. First, recognize that you are not as powerless as you feel. Your son is still dependent upon you for many important things, even some that he won't acknowledge. The list is likely to include financial aid, personal services, support and encouragement, belonging (to a family), love, and a roof over his head. The seriousness of his action must be discussed with him calmly. By defying you in this manner, he threatens the family structure, denying his responsibility to negotiate with you as his parent. If he truly wants that freedom, then he becomes a boarder and should start paying rent (provided you want him there). This sounds harsh but he needs to hear the implications of his actions. Meanwhile, there are other steps that can serve as consequences to his action. In most families, even when the child has a car, the parents are paying the insurance. If this happens a second time (the defiance), make it clear that the insurance will be cancelled. Parents usually respond to this suggestion by saying that he needs his car to get to his job which is financially essential. My response is to encourage the parent to stop protecting the child from the consequences of his behavior [see above letter].
A few years ago a patient of mine called with a very similar problem. She had inside bolts on her doors, so I suggested she just bolt the doors and try to get a good night's sleep. Her son rattled the doors late that night (actually it was early that morning) and then found his way to a friend's house to sleep. He couldn't believe his mother, who usually sits up worrying until he gets home, actually had locked him out. He returned the next morning and eventually apologized for his actions and served an extra weekend of grounding for his defiance. It got the message across.
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