FamilyMy definition of a “good shortstop” is a player who, after making an error, is able to settle down and handle the next play cleanly. It is important to note that this implies errors are to be expected. This is really just another way to address the concept of resiliency. To bounce back from a mistake, especially an embarrassing one because others see it, is a clear indication of a child who is comfortable with his/her sense of self-worth.
How can parents help to promote this type of inner confidence in a child? In this article, I will focus on two aspects of this issue: placing emphasis on strengths rather than weaknesses and parental modeling.
Too Much Emphasis on “Fixing” Children:
Parents are influenced by two very strong emotions, the desire to protect their children from experiencing pain and the desire for their children to be successful adults. In responding to these desires, parents get caught in traps that actually can undermine their goals.
Paul is an inconsistent student. He has problems with organization and paying attention. Sometimes he does a great job on an assignment; other times he may not, or he may lose it or forget to do it altogether. Paul’s parents and his teachers have spent endless hours lecturing Paul on trying harder, paying more attention, organizing his time better, and the only outcome of all this is that Paul feels nagged and criticized. In fact, he is becoming angry about it and admits that sometimes he deliberately blows off an assignment just to rile up his parents.
While it is reasonable for these parents and teachers to try some minor accommodations to see if it helps Paul be more successful, it is important to consider the possibility that Paul simply does not have the type of personality or temperament that fits the style of a “good student.” By trying to make Paul into something he cannot be, the parents are contributing to Paul’s growing belief that he is stupid and that he is a disappointment to his parents. In the meantime, his parents worry that these “bad habits” will prevent Paul from getting in to a good college and/or being successful in a career.
When I asked Paul’s parents to tell me more about Paul, they stressed what a great kid he was - caring, affectionate, liked by peers, told by other parents that they loved having him play with their child. Paul also has a great imagination – very creative. I noted that this latter strength is a very common one in children who have some difficulty being focused in school. Their minds are so busy attending to ideas that are far more interesting than most school work that they fail to stay focused.
Paul was not failing any of his courses. I recommended that the parents and the teachers put more emphasis on Paul’s strengths. For example, allow him to do some creative projects for extra credit and arrange for him to take some art and drama classes outside of school. Tell him you understand that his mind works in a way that makes schoolwork a special challenge for him and you will accept that now. Stress the idea, which is very important for the parents to believe, that he will have more success when he is older and has more control over the choices about school and work. He may choose to go to an art school some day or he may just find a career that puts more emphasis on being creative. Also his good people skills are one of the most important factors in life success so that bodes well for him as he gets older.
I find when I have a meeting with parents in which I am able to help them place more value on their child’s strengths and to see that he/she has many wonderful potentials for a good life as an adult, that the parents are very thankful and begin to view their child in a more positive light. Children often report to me that they are having more fun with their parents and their self-worth gets a big boost.
Parental Modeling:
Karen was arrested for shoplifting. Her parents were shocked and mortified. Karen was a very good kid, a strong student, a good athlete, and easy to manage. She was always home on time and kept her parents informed of where she was. Why would she do something so wrong? The parents were alternating between beating up on themselves (“We must have done something wrong.”) and coming down hard on Karen (“You’ve ruined your life!”).
Children make mistakes. So do adults. It is part of human nature to often act more from our emotions than our rational thoughts. Parents tend to hide their mistakes from children. They are able to do that because much of their behavior is out of sight to the child. But most of what children do are observed or, when hidden, eventually shows up.
The two key issues here for parents are to not overreact to a child’s mistakes and to learn ways of sharing your own mistakes, past and present. For example, research has shown that most children shoplift and don’t get caught. It’s typically a minor behavior and doesn’t need to be seen as a serious problem unless, in fact, it represents a significant part of a child’s life.
Karen’s father admitted to me that he shoplifted as a kid – in fact he had done a few other things he wasn’t especially proud of. Somehow he never got caught and had a reputation of being a great kid. Karen’s mother was a “goody-two-shoes” type who insisted she would never have done anything to cause shame to her parents. In fact, part of what attracted her to her husband was her image of him as having the same “strong character” that she had. But a little more probing and the mother admitted to experimenting with drugs in college. She was quick to state that it was a very short-lived experience! Regardless, it helped for her to acknowledge that even someone as strongly committed to being the “perfect child” had made a significant “mistake.”
The dynamics here involve Karen’s perception of her parents as “perfect people” and that she had to live up to this in order to please them. Since she had so many natural strengths it seemed relatively easy for her to do that. But there was substantial stress associated with trying to constantly pull this off. Karen really wanted to bust out of this rigid role and loosen up a bit. She hadn’t thought about how but when she was at the mall with some friends, all “good kids” I might note, and they urged her to join them in some shoplifting, the desire to act out finally broke through.
Karen’s parents were able to regroup and do some very helpful things. They allowed Karen to accept the natural consequences of her actions (not allowed back in that store and doing the community service ordered by the court). Too often parents intervene and insist that the community shouldn’t punish their terrific child. Meanwhile, at home, they conveyed to Karen the understanding that people make mistakes, little ones and big ones, that it is part of life, it won’t go away, and one has to learn how to deal with their mistakes. It is key not to turn it into “I’m a bad person.” They removed their punishment (grounding her indefinitely) since Karen was paying natural consequences for her mistake.
Then the parents shared a few of their mistakes – the father admitted he had shoplifted and the mother focused on how she had badly mishandled a work situation and got called on the carpet for it. In addition, the father had struggled with some career decisions that didn’t pan out before finding a successful pathway.
Karen and her parents now had a new “contract.” It recognized that not only are mistakes normal, but, in fact, that some mistakes come from people taking risks that can lead to special achievements along the way. There was a definite sense of relief from this resolution. Karen felt permission to be herself and that contributed to her increased resiliency. Equally important Karen and her parents now had a more open, honest, and intimate relationship, which research shows to be a key factor in helping children develop resiliency.
For those parents who would like to pursue the topic of resiliency in much greater depth, I strongly recommend reading, “Raising Resilient Children”, by Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein.
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