Children
Seeing Yourself in Your Child
A very perceptive and articulate 10 year old boy recently shared his insight that the reason his father pushed him so hard to be "responsible" and to "always try his hardest" was because his father didn't feel very successful. Indeed this boy's father had struggled over the years, trying various jobs and careers with very little to show for his efforts. The father recalls never being serious about his schoolwork and not learning how to be disciplined or focused. He wanted to help his son avoid the pain of feeling like a failure, as he had. Unfortunately, this led him to overreact to his son's tendency to prefer play over work, to be somewhat disorganized and inconsistent in his schoolwork, and to have a tendency to "forget" to do his chores.
A mother was trying to explain her conflict with her daughter. The mother had experienced a significant amount of emotional deprivation, as she recalled her own youth, and it was very painful to her. She felt her mother was cold, distant, and not especially interested in what her daughter was doing with her life. As a result, this woman approached her own role as a daughter's mother with a very conscious wish (but much stronger than she realized) to not cause her daughter to feel the same pain nor to hold the same anger towards her mother. Thus, this mother has not only found it difficult to discipline her daughter but she tends to spend too much money on her and tries too hard to be her daughter's friend.
A number of parents experienced social problems growing up. They were teased or ostracized or felt they never fit in. If they have a child who is a bit shy or slow-to-warm up and prefers to do more solitary activities, these parents frequently push their child to be more social, hoping the child won't feel the pain they experienced while growing up.
Of course, their child may not be feeling that pain. Children are not mere extensions of their parents. Even if there are marked similarities in some areas, there are always significant differences, not only in their basic personalities but in their experiences growing up. As I often point out to parents, the mere fact that you are aware of your past experiences and are sensitive to your child's needs most likely creates a different environment for your child than what you experienced. When we get too caught up in trying to remove pain from our children's lives or trying to guarantee a more successful life, we may actually be sabotaging the very goals we've set for ourselves.
By trying to constantly "fix" our children we give them endless messages that they are "not okay." For example, many children experience problems with being disorganized or "underachieving" in school. I'm not referring to more severe situations that may be identified as a learning disorder. It's simply a fact that a substantial percentage of children are not particularly effective students, being slightly disorganized or bored in the typical school programs. Similarly, many children are not very social or lack skills/interest in the activities most frequently participated in by other children (mostly sports/recreational, some music/artistic). Yet when these same children become adults, they often find work that is exceptionally appealing and put in long, focused hours at something they truly enjoy. These same children may grow up to discover an interest that simply was not available to them as a child and may develop that interest in to a major free-time pursuit. These same children, who struggled socially, now experience a world that has expanded geometrically once they become adults, and may find lifelong friends with common interests or similar personalities.
In working with these parents whose histories come back to intrude on their ability to bond with, accept, or effectively discipline their children, I focus on helping them recognize the "separateness" of their child. A similarity is not a clone. Your pain is not their pain. In fact, to experience some pain and frustration is healthy. It is not simple success that breeds self-esteem and resiliency. Instead, it is the ability to overcome obstacles and to develop the inner confidence that comes from that which will help your child have a successful life, whatever that term really means. As parents, we need to recognize that we cannot control the timetable or even the ability to overcome the internal or external obstacles our children will inevitably face. They may be adults before the pieces really fall into place. One of our primary tasks as parents is to avoid becoming one of the obstacles to our children's development. We need to make sure we are not asking our children to help us solve residual issues from our own childhood years.
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