FamilyA recent study stated that despite a significant increase in educating students about sexual harassment at least 25% of the students surveyed reported that they were frequently being sexually harassed. The impact on these children is often significant. Social withdrawal, difficulty concentrating on schoolwork, reduced self-esteem, and, sometimes, school avoidance are potential effects. While the victims are most often female, it is likely that the gender difference is much less than reported, especially among teens, because boys typically underreport being victims of anything.
I had read about this study and filed it for future use. Then, in a nearby community, I recently learned of a significant case of sexual harassment that contained all of the complexities of trying to deal with the problem. A small group of 13-14 year old boys had been harassing a number of their female classmates. It included verbal comments and touching their bodies. When complaints were first raised the school unfortunately was slow to respond. This resulted in the spreading of rumors and a gradual, disorganized process of parents getting involved in a haphazard and increasingly hostile way. This poorly managed process exacerbated the negative impact on all involved.
The complexities in a crisis like this operate on three levels. Among the students, there is the fear and embarrassment of “ratting” on your classmates. Even the victims may not be able to support each other in this process, with some in denial or minimizing what has happened while others are enraged and seeking support, protection, and consequences for the perpetrators. Thus, each victim is struggling not just with the trauma of being sexually harassed but also with complex social repercussions. Friendships can be lost when the victims choose different ways of responding. As the events become more public, other students will react by choosing sides and a layer of social harassment is added to the problem.
Another level of complexity is how the parents react. Their responses are as varied as the children’s. Unfortunately they become models for all the children involved and the inability of the parents to effectively work towards a reasonable solution only intensifies the pain of the children. The parents of the boys often try to protect their sons, frequently denying their sons did anything wrong or minimizing the negative effects of their sons’ behavior. Here, too, good friends and neighbors may suddenly feel betrayed and the fallout can be significant and long lasting in the community.
The school plays a critical role in determining how this crisis impacts everyone. Unfortunately most schools are probably not prepared to deal with this problem. This occurs despite the report that a majority of schools now have a sexual harassment policy. Unfortunately the policy, as was historically true in the business world, is literally a paper policy. It may be in a student handbook, it may be discussed during orientation for students and parents, but the process ends there in most schools.
Teachers and administrators are not getting trained to deal with these issues. The survey I referred to earlier claimed that the majority of incidents occur in front of teachers and pass without comment or action. Most likely the more serious, physical incidents are not seen, but failing to deal with what might be perceived as minor incidents inevitably gives implicit approval for perpetrators to become more aggressive. But it is hard to fault teachers because defining what constitutes sexual harassment is not easy and to falsely accuse a student is to put one’s job at risk in this litigious society of ours.
Still, fast, effective action on the part of the school is the key to minimizing the crisis. As soon as any staff member becomes aware of a possible problem, administration, and especially guidance counselors and/or school psychologists, need to be informed and begin talking to the students alleged to be involved. If the problem involves many students, the school should supplement its resources by reaching out into the local community for mental health professionals trained in crisis intervention. If physical abuse took place then clearly the police need to be involved.
Parents need to be informed right away so they learn from the source and not a phone call from a neighbor, especially if the information a parent gets in that call is more rumor and speculation than fact. The parents should not only be told what is known at the time but should receive advice on how to talk to and assist their child. In the meantime, the children should be offered crisis counseling which may involve some group sessions as well as individual ones. But since they are minors, parental approval is needed for this.
Discussions in homerooms, or possibly a school assembly, should take place but should be brief. The main purpose initially is to give the rest of the students notice that there is a problem involving accusations of sexual harassment, that it is being dealt with, and urging students not to add to the problem by taking sides. It is also an opportunity to further educate the students about sexual harassment.
The key here is damage control. The more proactive the school is in dealing with the students involved, the parents, and the rest of the student body as well as their parents, the greater the opportunity to resolve this in a reasonable way.
Meanwhile, parents need to be aware that sexual harassment is a significant issue in their children’s lives and make it a subject of periodic discussion in their home. It is very important to create an atmosphere where your child feels safe to come to you and talk about something painful that happened to her or to be able to tell you about something he did that was wrong.
One of the best ways to create the trust required for this kind of open communication to occur is for parents to have shared some of their own youthful struggles with their children. None of us had totally innocent childhood lives. There were the inevitable conflicts and difficult times that each of us had to cope with, some unique to changing social contexts, others that are constantly recycled developmental challenges. We may have also been victims of some type, or experienced disappointment in ourselves, or did things that were wrong somewhere along the way. If you share some of this with your children as they come of age, probably starting around 10, then your children are more likely to share their troubles with you.
Clearly if parents notice a change in their child’s behavior and/or mood, the issue of sexual harassment and other acts of bullying or peer conflict, need to be specifically asked about.
Finally, as a preventive measure, parents need to ask their school administrators about sexual harassment policies, student education, and staff training. In particular ask about what would be done if an incident occurred. The necessary changes to make schools a safer place for your children will occur only if you insist it be done.
Back to Family | Back to ParenTalk
Top | Home | My
Practice | Parenting & Marriage Advice | Resources
| Contact
