ChildrenMy 6 year old son was doing fine and suddenly he has this bad dream and now he won’t let us leave him alone at night. He keeps asking us to check his closet and look under his bed, even check his windows. He worries that someone is going to break in and kidnap him. We keep trying to reassure him and have tried all kinds of strategies to help, including making a tape of our voices for him to listen to. Nothing seems to be helping and either we have to stay with him until he falls asleep or he insists upon sleeping in our bedroom. Why did a seemingly confident, happy young boy suddenly become so troubled? What suggestions can you make about helping him to regain his sense of security?
It is not unusual for five and six year olds to hit some rough weather. This is a transition period from preschool years to school-age years, requiring the child to move a little further away from home, literally and figuratively. For some it goes smoothly. For many it heightens some underlying vulnerabilities that had not been seriously tested before and the result is the appearance of some symptoms of distress. Do not be alarmed. This too shall pass. But let’s understand it better and examine some ways to help it pass more easily.
Mortality: One of the important developmental changes that take place at this age is the realization that people and animals actually die. That death is something final. It’s not fall down and then get up. The actual age of this discovery varies with a child’s awareness and experiences. It is often heralded by the need to have a formal burial of that goldfish floating at the top of the bowl. Flushing it down the toilet is no longer acceptable! It is often reflected in the sudden appearance of questions about where people go when they die or what happens to their bodies when they are put in the ground. Concerns may be triggered or exacerbated by an actual loss (e.g., a grandparent) or a book or video that contains a death of a key character that previously was just accepted but now generates distress and possible nightmares. In today’s world, we are also surrounded by stories of death and loss in the media and it is difficult not to expose children to this.
So a young child, who felt secure about himself and his parents, suddenly begins to worry that something could happen to himself or to those who take care of him. This latter point is actually often the key to the child’s need to sleep in his parents’ bedroom or to become very clingy to his mother despite a history of being very independent. Children intuitively know how dependent they are on their caretakers.
It’s Off to School We Go: Even though most children have already attended day care or preschools, starting public school contains a totally different aura. Children know, especially those with older siblings, that this is the beginning of an irreversible process of having to grow up, one grade at a time. Elementary schools are big buildings compared to their previous places to go, and they are filled with lots of big kids and many adults. Some children just aren’t quite ready to make that commitment.
Interestingly, it’s not just children who aren’t developmentally ready to let go that can have a problem with this transition. Children who are experiencing a wonderful, intimate, caring home life, and confidently go places without their parents, may strongly resist the sense that time has come to have to let go of this stage of life.
Another aspect of the start of school, especially in today’s world where there is so much more focus on early skill development and even homework for first graders, is that young children are being asked to choose work over play. Again, for some children, they are excited to move into this phase of life, but for others, there is a negative reaction to the sense of having to give up or lose something of importance, namely the freedom to play endlessly.
When I grow up, will you marry me, mommy?: This classic issue of children fantasizing about marrying their parent is still debated among child development specialists as to whether it is actually a universal phenomenon, but so many parents have experienced that question that there is little doubt in my mind that it is a fairly common experience for many children.
The idea is really a simple one – there is an attachment to the parent, the child experiences a wish for a total and permanent connection, and there is jealousy of, and anger at, the other parent who actually has that priority connection. It is around this age that children realize they cannot actually marry their parent, which is a sad loss of an important fantasy, but there is also a frequent fear that the other parent is going to be angry at them for having tried to steal away their special partner.
Summary and Conclusions: The key point is that there are a number of challenging transitions for children to manage at this age. No wonder they may suddenly develop a sense of vulnerability that wasn’t evident prior to this time. Children may respond to these new issues by regressing (not wanting to grow up, baby talk and temporary loss of toilet training) or by becoming scared of the world around them. The latter can be triggered by exposure to a video, movie, or news story that taps one of the underlying fears embedded in the above issues.
The focus here is on the normality of these issues and the expectation that the symptoms of the struggle will generally pass in a matter of weeks. To assist in that passage, it is important for parents to be calm and understanding.
One important strategy is to validate the child’s feelings before trying to reassure. Parents tend to want to quickly take away any pain their child is experiencing but first it is essential to acknowledge the fear, allow/encourage the child to express as best as possible (in words or drawings or any other mode of expression) what is upsetting him, and to be compassionate. Often it helps to recall having had similar fears or feelings at around the same age. Telling the child that there is no need to be upset conveys a message that these feelings aren’t normal and often leaves the child feeling that the parent doesn’t really understand him.
Instead, talk about how hard it is to be so little in a world of grown-ups and that you will help him to find ways to feel safer. Check under the bed, and spend extra time in the bedroom, preferably sitting in a chair nearby, while the child falls asleep. Discourage having the child go to sleep in your bed but accept the fact that he may wake up during the night and climb in with you. Allow for some increased clinging or some regressive behavior. If the parent is validating and avoids getting caught up in trying to “fix” the child, this stage should pass on and you can look forward to the next set of challenges!
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