ChildrenDiscipline and the Single Parent
The phone's ringing. I hope it's not the day care center again. David's been having such a difficult time since his father left ... acting so bossy and belligerent, not listening to me. He's definitely been more aggressive. What am I going to say to his teacher? If I can't handle him at home I certainly have no advice for her. Last night was a typical example. I told him to turn off the TV and come to the table for dinner. He wanted to eat in the family room so he could keep watching his program. I turned it off; he turned it back on. I got so angry that I screamed at him to go live with his father. Five years old and I feel like he's running things.
This is a common story. A family breaks apart and the children begin to act up. The mother has most of the responsibility to deal with it and, plagued by guilt over the effects of the divorce on the children, she has a hard time being firm with them. Her energy is depleted by financial worries, continued conflicts with the children's father, worries about her own future, and less time than ever to take care of everything. The children respond to this sense of their mother's distress by acting up even more. Somehow, they need a message that, despite the divorce, everything will be okay and that they are still protected and loved. One important way of doing this is to be able to maintain a consistent, effective set of discipline strategies, reassuring the child that you are still in charge.
This mother needs to push aside her guilt and find ways to deal with her distressed son. One approach is preventive, i.e., anticipating problems children have with time, planning, and transitions. David should not be allowed to start watching a show at 5:30 if dinner will be ready in the middle of the show. If he's already into it, then let him finish. We might also throw a tantrum if pulled away in the middle of our show. You can also try giving time warnings, especially if it's something the child has seen many times. By this I mean "David, you have 5 minutes more and then you have to turn the TV off.", followed by "3 minutes to go", then "one minute left", and, finally, "time to turn it off David". Using a timer is also helpful.
Since David is five, involving him in helping to set up for dinner is a good idea. This requires a shift away from TV before dinner and creates some time together. Also, you can throw in a healthy pre-dinner snack while he's in the kitchen with you. These strategies are particularly helpful for children who have difficulty with transitions.
Despite your best efforts, David may still resist and test the limits. Then the challenge is to avoid getting into a power struggle - "you will do this because I say so". Remember, you cannot actually control another person's behavior, even a young child. All you have control over are consequences. The child always has a choice about what to do. Your goal is to influence that choice through education and consequences.
It is often helpful to begin by acknowledging the limitations of your power. "You're right David, I cannot MAKE you come to the table and eat dinner with us. But, if you don't come, this is what will happen." The list of options is virtually endless: we will not play our game after dinner, I will not read to you at bedtime (parental attention is a very important issue), I will just leave your dinner on the table, I will not serve your dinner, the TV may get removed for a period of time. Choose an option that fits your style and can be carried out with some consistency. Present the consequences as calmly as possible - the child takes you more seriously when you're not screaming.
Discipline, of course, is not just punishments. If this is a common problem, you may make a chart and reward David with a star each time he comes to dinner and/or helps out without having to be yelled at. Typically the stars are converted into something positive for the child. No, this is not bribery. That's when you pay people to do something they're not supposed to do.
If you can establish some consistent discipline, under most circumstances your child will become more cooperative. This is likely to be very reassuring to your child during this time of family change and should carry over to the school setting so you get fewer of those phone calls. Meanwhile, you need to accept that while being a single parent puts some extra burdens on you (less help at the hectic times, if it was there before), it does not require you to make up for the absence of the other parent and it eliminates the need to coordinate with the other parent within your own home. Therefore, you can establish your own system and learn how to make it work. Sometimes, that's actually easier.
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