Family
"Reducing
Stress in Our Children"
A recent newspaper article reported that over the past several years there
has been a 33% increase in injuries to "Boomers" (ages 35-54) from
working out and playing sports. Now you may wonder why this is the lead for
an article on reducing stress in children. Follow me please. The article acknowledged
that it could simply reflect a much higher commitment to being healthy and active.
But there was a sense that it also reflected people who are pushing themselves
too hard. Does the phrase, No pain, no gain." ring a bell? Yet any trainer
will tell you that hurting your body is neither required nor recommended for
improving one’s health. It appears that for many Boomers, exercise becomes
an obsession, even a competition with their peers. It also can become a significant
time commitment tacked on to lives that are already over-committed.
These boomers are most of today’s parents. It’s a very sophisticated
group. These parents often tell me that they only ask their children to give
it their best try and don’t criticize them about their achievements unless
the parents believe their children are slacking off. Do I hear that dreaded
word "underachiever" buried in that "parentspeak"? How do
we know what our children are actually capable of? Even more important, MANY
children do not show their capacity for achievement until they get out of school
and into the real world where many of their interests and personal strengths
find a niche.
But the Boomers are a very driven group. Regardless of what they say to their
children what they model is very different. Children typically respond more
to what you do as a parent than what you say. So the parent who says getting
top grades is not the most important thing but then leads a life of being driven
to achieve the max is conveying that very model to their children. That’s
where the connection to the rise in injuries comes in. Boomers have a history
of pushing themselves to extremes – run a little faster, lift more weight.
This striving is engrained into their parenting styles. It results in everything
from early and chronic worries about their children being as successful as possible
to overbooking children into so many activities that no ones around to play
with after school!
These concerns are not new to parenting. But for the Boomers, the first generation
of parents who are predominately college-educated and who have created a few
decades of exceptional achievement, these parenting concerns are pandemic. Remember
that parents tend to want their children’s lives to be better than their
own. But that becomes more difficult to do with each succeeding generation.
Not surprisingly, for such an educated group, there is a special obsession with
college and grades. Often the reason for pushing children into extracurricular
activities is to build their resume for their college applications.
There is a pervasive myth that the better the college, the better the life outcomes.
These parental anxieties, about personal goals and children’s goals, are
transmitted in many ways to the children who, in turn, have become an increasingly
stressed out generation. Although there’s no formal data to confirm this,
the impression of those who work with children is that the levels of anxiety
and depression have increased significantly. The sad thing is that much of this
is unnecessary. The problem is that parents have their stated values correct
but their behaviors misplaced. Ask parents what is most important to them and
virtually all will say, "Family." But less and less time is being
spent nurturing marital and parent-child relationships.
Research on the importance of secure attachments, i.e., intimate, trusting relationships,
is clearly demonstrating that having such attachments is the core basis for
a happy, healthy, and successful life. For example, we now have data that shows
happily married couples are physically healthier and actually live longer. We
also know that couples in high conflict have a significant negative impact on
their children. In addition, we have strong data indicating that young children
who have more secure attachments to their caretakers are less anxious and more
independent. Yes, healthy dependence/intimacy gives young children (and adults)
more confidence to be independent.
There is also a growing amount of research showing that the best inoculation
against serious adolescent problems is a psychologically intimate relationship
with at least one parent. Similarly, studies on resilience in children consistently
point to the presence of a secure relationship with an adult figure as the key.
For example, Israeli children who were least affected by the trauma of the SCUD
bombing during the war with Iraq had the most secure parent-child relationships.
As we start another school year and parents everywhere gear up for challenges
about grades, homework, athletic and artistic achievement – about creating
"adult children" – the real challenge is to keep ones’ priorities
straight. It’s the relationships that count the most. You can reduce your
children’s stress significantly (and your own) by enjoying your children
regardless of their level of achievement or how they compare to their peers.
Don’t focus on how they are going to turn out because life is not linear
and your children will take circular paths, not straight lines to their adult
lives. Spend more time getting to know your child, and allowing her to get to
know you. This means planning ways to be alone with your child and being prepared
to give him your undivided attention when he reaches out to you. Doing this
instead of making sure the homework is done and the room is clean will result
in your being a more positive influence on your children’s lives and having
less stressed out children.
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