MarriageAlan and Lisa are getting ready for bed about 10 on a Sunday night. Alan is thinking about initiating some lovemaking but notices that Lisa seems particularly cool, distant, and even a bit angry. He asks if there’s anything wrong. Much to his surprise, Lisa explodes.
You haven’t paid any attention to me all weekend. We barely had any time together all week and I figure well at least we’ll have some time on the weekend. But you just go off and do your own things and it’s like I’m not even here. I think I must be about 17th on your list of what’s important to you. Sometimes I wonder why we’re even married.
Alan had no idea this was coming. He felt unfairly attacked and tried to defend himself.
I spent most of the weekend doing things for you and the family – mowing the lawn, running errands, fixing that closet shelf. And we went to the kids’ games. We were together then and I thought we were having a good time. Saturday night we rented a video and watched it with the kids and everyone seemed to enjoy that. What’s your problem? It’s like you’re never satisfied.
You don’t get it. We had no time alone. You spent most of Sunday afternoon watching a ballgame on TV and it took you two hours at Home Depot to pick up one thing because you lo-o-ove to walk around that store. You love Home Depot so much why don’t you move in there instead!
This is ridiculous. I came up here tonight wanting to have sex with you and now I don’t want to even be in the same room with you. You have no idea how much I care about you. So I spend some time relaxing on the weekend. Is that a crime?
Sex. That’s want you want is sex. Not making love, just sex. That’s what I’m useful for – so you can get off and go to sleep. Well I’m not interested. I don’t want to be in the same room with you either. Why don’t you go sleep in the study?
Unfortunately, this type of Sunday night eruption is not unusual. Of course it’s not always so intense. Sometimes it is just a quiet disconnection such as Allison describes.
We got into bed Sunday night and Rich was talking about what a busy weekend it was. All I’m thinking is another weekend when we didn’t spend any time together. It feels so lonely. I didn’t want to say anything. I know he means well. I guess it’s just that our lives are so busy that we never have any time for each other. He kisses me goodnight and falls asleep quickly. It doesn’t seem to bother him. I had a restless night. I’m frustrated but I don’t see any solution. Just one more weekend wasted.
Weekdays are such a rat race for most families that couples barely have any connection that isn’t centered on tasks. Parents are often on different wake-sleep schedules and even in good marriages, often feel like the proverbial two ships passing in the night. When the weekend arrives, there is some sense of relief. “Thank God it’s Friday.” is one of the most frequently uttered comments ever! Parents and children have a range of expectations for this oasis from the daily demands. Unfortunately those expectations are rarely verbalized and many a weekend not only ends in disappointment but also is filled with conflicts because hopes are being dashed along the way.
What I suggest to couples is something so simple it hardly seems worth an entire column. But its value has been so striking I do indeed believe it deserves special recognition. Like so many other issues in managing life today, it centers on improved communication and planning. The recommendation to the couple is to set aside 15 minutes on a Thursday night to discuss the upcoming weekend. Go over each person’s “To Do” list and the various family commitments. It’s helpful if they have asked the children at dinner what they want to do or have to do over the weekend. The key is that the shared purpose of this brief meeting is to plan time for the couple.
Often the process involves recognizing that expectations are unreasonable and items that are not urgent and important may need to be moved off the list. (Use Stephen Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” to learn how to prioritize the things in your lives.) Errands can be planned as outings that can provide some alone time for a couple or for parent-child time. As much as parents feel the need to spend more time with their children, couples need to make sure that too many weekend evenings aren’t being spent at home with the children or, for that matter, out with friends.
Just the process of doing this planning conveys a sense of commitment to the relationship that helps soothe the sense of abandonment that Lisa expressed. Sometimes all that is scheduled is a Sunday afternoon walk or a commitment to go to bed early on Friday for some slow-paced, tender lovemaking. Maybe it’s just a Saturday afternoon lunch with cell phones turned off and time for some good conversation. Most important, it gives each spouse a chance to express expectations rather than hope your partner will read your mind – or even worse, using your silence as a test of your spouse’s love.
This helps to eliminate the Sunday night disappointment from a weekend that fails to live up to those silently held expectations. Even if an unexpected event disrupts the plans, there is solace in knowing that the intent was there and that other weekends will be fulfilling.
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