Marriage
The Role
of Marital Therapy in Solving Relationship Problems
Times have changed. The stress on couples has increased significantly with the sharp rise in dual-income families, stepfamilies, and the changing expectations of women and men in a marriage. Few couples have a model from their parents to apply to the present situation. No wonder today's couples are seeking help at a greater rate than ever before.
Role Of Marital Therapy
When do you need to seek therapy? Whenever at least one spouse is unhappy and your efforts to resolve the problem are not being successful. The sooner you seek help, the easier it is to resolve the issues. Sometimes one spouse is highly resistant. This can be due to claims of not being unhappy but more often it is a fear of opening the proverbial "can of worms." Twenty years ago the rate of success for marital therapy was not high, primarily because couples were seeking help when they were at divorce's door and because our knowledge about marriage was much more limited. So there was a not so mythical belief that if you sought help, you had a high probability of ending up divorced.
Today it is a very different situation. There is a better understanding of the complex contribution of gender differences, better techniques for teaching communication and conflict-resolution skills, and increased knowledge about how childhood "baggage" can effect marriage.
Good marital therapy should be characterized by the following features: an emphasis on understanding the issues and developing problem solving skills, not a process of blaming spouses for ruining the marriage; the sessions should be spent constructively, with an active therapist guiding you through beneficial steps instead of passively being a referee while the two of you simply demonstrate how skilled you are at arguing; and, except for the more serious situations of chronic, abusive relationships, most marital therapy should be completed in twenty sessions or less.
Feeling Trapped
"We have a communication problem." That is, by far, the most frequent opening statement when a couple comes to my office. It ranges from literally not talking to the more common situation of unsuccessful efforts to solve problems.
"We end up arguing about the same things over and over and nothing changes."
What immediately follows are accusations of not being listened to or understood or respected. These statements are accompanied by considerable anger which often covers a strong underlying sadness. The latter is particularly acute when one or both spouses has come to believe that the problem lies in unchangeable character defects in their spouse. There is a hopelessness that the situation is beyond repair. One of the therapist's first responsibilities is to reduce the focus on blame and shift it to a belief that each person is capable of contributing to change.
"He comes home from work late. He never calls. Then he walks in, starts reading the mail, heads to the den, and turns on the news. It makes me feel like I don't really matter to him."
"I used to try talking to her when I first walked in the door. But if there's a problem at work she gets worried that I'll lose my job. She always gets upset about things, just like her mother. I need to unwind, not to get more tense."
There are a complexity of issues buried in these brief statements. The husband is still trapped in gender issues of feeling that he must be a successful provider in order to be a good husband and a belief that part of his role is to protect his wife from bad news. Some of the latter stems from the myth that being emotional is a sign of weakness rather than a valid and useful expression of feelings.
The wife is viewing his behavior as a statement about her and the relationship when it may primarily be a reflection of the husband's personal issues. Both of them are using words like always or never, which are distortions that contribute to defensive reactions and endless, useless arguments about "the truth." Bringing in an irrelevant issue such as a comparison to one's parent only serves to antagonize and escalate the tension.
The therapist can help the couple to take a step back from being locked into these "scripts" and help them to rewrite the process. Usually when a couple describes these exchanges to a neutral and supportive third party, they recognize what is wrong. Often, when the underlying issues are identified, they can see ways to make changes and the sense of being hopelessly trapped begins to fade.
Within a few sessions, a couple may be able to express their problems very differently.
"In the past, I have often felt like Bill didn't care about me. In the future, if he would call me when he leaves the office it would make me feel that he is thinking about me. And when he walks in the door, if he just came over and gave me a hug, I'd be glad to give him some time to unwind."
"In the past I have often felt like Susan didn't have any confidence in me. I would like her to say she believes things will work out. It's not that she can't express concern. I just need a positive statement at the end of the conversation. I also know that I should help out more. If Susan doesn't resent my needing some time to recover, I'll agree to limit it to ten minutes and then come in and help with dinner and the kids."
Deeper Roots To Marital Issues
Bill's refusal to call may be repeating a childhood issue of feeling controlled and criticized by his parents. His need for recovery time and the stress he feels about work may be related to similar issues. Susan may have a more complex need for approval and may overreact to her husband's behavior because as a child she experienced herself as lost amongst her siblings and felt that she wasn't as lovable as her older sister. Such insights are not attempts to blame one's parents for current problems but a helpful process of understanding the roots of some of the more intractable behaviors. Marital problems are often triggered when events touch on these unresolved past experiences and then fester over the years to the point of being major destructive forces without any realization of the underlying reasons. The more significant these past issues are, the more important for them to be understood and dealt with in order to achieve lasting improvement in the marriage. Thus, marital therapy often starts with completing "genograms" (schematic representations of three generations of family history) and briefly examining each spouse's personal history before working on relationship issues.
Marital therapy is really a learning process: about self and other, about communication skills and gender issues, about the influences of power and control, about the value of affection and a healthy sexual relationship, about not fearing intimacy. A good marriage is a safe haven where each partner feels accepted and supported. That's what marital therapy can help you to achieve.
How Marital Therapy Can Help:
- Assist each spouse in understanding the influence of the past.
- Enable the couple to find more effective ways to express problems.
- Learn how to alter the "bad scripts" that never produce change.
- Allow couples to rediscover their capacity for change.
Back to Marriage | Back to ParenTalk
Top | Home | My
Practice | Parenting & Marriage Advice | Resources
| Contact
