Teen
“Thirteen”
I recently saw the movie “Thirteen.” It is a very powerful, exceptionally well-acted movie that will be particularly unsettling for any parent with a 10 to 16 year old daughter. The movie will raise a few important questions. Do the special circumstances of this girl’s life make it of limited relevance to those whose families are very different? Can a girl who has been a relatively model child turn into an out-of-control teen virtually overnight? What can parents do to minimize the likelihood of this happening to their daughter?
The question of relevance: This 13 year old lives in Southern California with a divorced mother barely able to pay the bills who also has a troubled boyfriend who moves in. In addition, the father makes promises but is not really available to his daughter.
First of all, at least some of these elements are present in many family situations. The high divorce rate makes one or more of the issues such as poverty, complex dynamics around new relationships, and inaccessible parents present in nearly half of all families. For those families that are intact there are still potential elements of financial problems and lack of a solid connection to one or both parents as well as parental conflict that can create a context for a teenage daughter to be as vulnerable as the girl in this movie.
Sudden change in personality: Unquestionably, when young girls are beginning to experience powerful biological and social changes, they are vulnerable to the possibility of relatively sudden changes in their personality. It is important to keep in mind, however, that such rapid change means the personality is still in flux and that these negative changes are still very amenable to positive influences that will bring the girl safely through the experience. In fact, many young girls will simply go through this and self-correct as they realize they do not like the person they have become.
It is easier for them to do this if there is a history of secure attachment to one or both parents. In turn, it is especially upsetting to those parents who have, in fact, had that close relationship, to suddenly feel powerless as their daughter pushes away in search of her own identity and begins to make choices that fly in the face of everything good that she had seemingly made a part of her self.
What can parents do?: The movie provides much insight into this question by being an example of what parents shouldn’t do. When this daughter begins to change in response to her desire to be popular, the mother unfortunately tries to play the role of friend more than parent. She is too acquiescent. One can guess that it is a mixture of her personality and her guilt about the negative effects of the divorce on her daughter. The mother fails to see much of what is happening and clearly misses the danger signs. Even when she begins to see them, she fails to take a strong stand.
Teenagers (and pre-teens) nearly always push the limits. It comes with the turf. Parents need to find a balance between allowing for some increased independence and maintaining some firm limits. The discovery that a child has had a tongue and bellybutton pierced without discussion/permission should result in immediate removal of the “jewelry.” Requests for various body piercings or tattoos should always be discussed (don’t simply say no and push the daughter away). A compromise should be reached that allows for an acceptable, safe choice at an appropriate age (e.g., not before thirteen). By giving a small victory to the daughter but holding the line against something that could be a health risk or something that will later be distressing to the child (e.g., a large, very visible tattoo), strikes a balance between parental authority and the teen’s need for independence. Under these circumstances of parental involvement and understanding, it is quite common for the fascination with these changes to gradually diminish and disappear.
Teens need to know that their parents will listen but also be strong. Talking to other parents, checking out stories, insisting on knowing where your child is, and setting reasonable curfews are all important. Despite the protests of a teenager, there is a relief in their knowing that you are going to help them to avoid risks that they may not be ready to handle on their own.
In addition, despite protests about not wanting to be seen in public with their parents, teenage daughters (and sons) want to feel connected to their parents. Teens will imbed themselves deeper into their peer group when they feel abandoned by their parents even if they are seemingly demanding such abandonment. Don’t believe that for a moment. Find ways to continue to spend some time one-on-one with your teen. Even a seemingly childlike activity as a trip for an ice cream is important. Remember, teens are a confused mixture of childhood and adult needs and it is important to relate to both parts.
In divorced families, it is critical to try and keep both parents involved in the life of the child. Sometimes it can’t be done but certainly try not to stand in the way of it, even when you still hate your former spouse. Furthermore, rarely is it acceptable to have a new love interest move in, even if there is a commitment to marriage. Issues around loyalty to the “replaced” parent and feelings about being displaced in the life of the at-home parent make this very delicate. The exception can be when the relationship has been a positive experience for the children over a reasonable period of time and marriage plans have already been discussed with the children.
When it is evident that alcohol and drugs have become a problem, it is especially important for parents to play a strong role. Requiring attendance at Alateen meetings, seeing a specialist in substance abuse, and even requiring routine drug testing are all steps that can be taken to underscore the seriousness of substance abuse problems.
Attend to the messages: The key issue is that teens who are vulnerable will leave a trail of messages crying out for help. Sudden changes in personality, grades, or choice of friends are common signs. But so are diaries left accessible, an open bag on a counter with condoms inside, or alcohol/drug items stuffed in a closet. If teens really don’t want to get caught, they can actually hide modest departures from acceptable behavior without too much difficulty. So if the information is there to be seen, then, on some level, getting caught is desired.
Therefore, it is imperative that parents recognize these clues and make adjustments in their relationships with the teenager to help get the situation under control. Sometimes the pain is so deep and powerful that some counseling is particularly helpful. One point in this movie is that while it appeared on the surface that this young girl was dealing successfully with life, it became clear that she was an accident waiting to happen. The emotional abandonment by her father left her especially vulnerable along with her mother’s lack of clarity about what a mother’s role should be. Avoid these pitfalls and you minimize the likelihood of the type of crisis portrayed in this movie.
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