MarriageSure you think this is an article about saying “I love you.” Well in a sense it is, but not in the way you might think. Of course it is important to express your love for your partner in words and deeds. Equally important is that each spouse is willing and able to recognize the way feelings of love are expressed because not everyone is able to be as verbally or physically effusive as one might like. But a strong relationship is not built on love alone – its strength is embedded in three other words that may be even more important – “I need you.”
We live in a society that has historically stressed independence over dependence. In fact, to be dependent has the connotation of being weak, needy, demanding, and draining. All negative images and, historically, associated with being a feminine trait. Males are supposed to be self-sufficient, solve their own problems, protect their spouse from the harsh realities of life, kiss their horse, and ride off into the sunset! Oh, John Wayne, where are you now?
This is, of course, an outdated model, though still thriving in some parts of our society and very much in the subconscious expectations men have for themselves. Even many independent and successful women who seek more nurturing male partners have conflicted issues about accepting husbands whom they view as less than their equals and, especially, accepting sons whom they might view as too sensitive and not tough enough. It really is hard to get past centuries of socialization, and, who knows, maybe even some Darwinian selection!
Dan is sitting at the far end of the couch and explaining why he rarely talks about his work. “When I come home I just want to put all that stress behind me. To talk about it just stirs it all up again. Besides, it’s not like Annemarie can help me with any of the issues I’m dealing with. I just want some time to decompress – read the paper or watch the news before sitting down for dinner.” Annemarie feels pushed to the periphery of Dan’s world – she experiences their relationship as if she is somewhere between numbers 3 and 5 on his list of what’s most important to him. She doesn’t even look forward to his walking in the door anymore.”
Liz is totally stressed out between balancing her own business and taking care of two preschool children. Sure she has help, but she moves from one draining situation to another. Liz is very angry at Alec because he seems to be in his own world, expecting that she will simply make everything work out in their personal lives. In her eyes he has more freedom because he works out three times a week and gets to watch his favorite teams. She feels as if she has no time for her own needs. Alec feels her anger is unjustified because he offers to help and does when Liz asks him to do something. Liz feels she shouldn’t always have to chase after him to help her. It doesn’t feel like a real partnership. Alec is also very put off by the fact that Liz constantly says she is too tired for sex and they rarely make love anymore. He also experiences Liz as moody and sometimes abusive.
When asked, each partner says he/she loves the other (though not always liking the other) and that their marriage and family are the most important parts of their lives. So why aren’t they leading lives that would seem to affirm that priority?
In many ways, marriage is about attachment, not so very different from the attachment bond a child requires with a caretaker in order to feel secure. The stronger the attachment bond between husband and wife, the more secure each is as an individual as well as resulting in a stronger marriage. To need someone is not a sign of weakness. It is at the core of the human condition. We are social animals with a predilection for having meaningful relationships in our lives. In the end the happiest people are those who have close ties to others.
But to achieve those close ties one must admit the need for such closeness. The walls we build, often from painful childhood experiences, sometimes from biologically influenced traits such as shyness, may have even been helpful at one time in your life. But now the defensiveness works against the intimacy that will add to your sense of security, lovability, and reduced stress. Life is usually quite challenging. It is so much easier to deal with if one has an intimate partner and a few intimate friends (which can include extended family, and, in later years, our children).
Dan’s walls were established early. He grew up in a family that can best be described as emotionally cold, at worst, emotionally abusive. He survived by learning to deny needing nurturance because he wasn’t about to receive any. Two issues were identified as influencing his not talking about his work: an expectation that Annemarie wasn’t really interested in what he did; a deeper sense that he really wasn’t very successful or competent. To the extent he had success, he would subconsciously attribute it to luck. In this context it is not surprising he maintained a certain distance from Annemarie, who had been interpreting that distance as a statement of her not being important to Dan.
As Dan was able to acknowledge his fears and his wish for more closeness and connection, Annemarie’s anger subsided and they began to change some of the deeply rooted negative patterns in their marriage. Dan began to look forward to sharing more of his life with Annemarie and consciously reached out to her more, making more time in his life for her. In turn, Annemarie was more accepting of Dan, including his need to have his own time. He felt that approval and slowly began to feel more accepting of himself. It took work to make these changes. There were the usual setbacks. But gradually they grew closer and each felt more secure, as a person and as a partner. And it all began with Dan recognizing and accepting that he needed Annemarie to have a full life.
Liz and Alec had both been very independent, achievement oriented children and carried those traits into their relationship. As much as Liz wanted help from Alec, she had early on created a pattern of criticizing his ways of helping, establishing that she was the parenting expert. Liz had a deeply rooted sense that she should be able to do it all, including continuing her prior level of career success while trying to be a competent mother. As much as she verbalized her wanting Alec’s help, she was subconsciously self-critical that she needed it. After all, her mother had raised 5 children with virtually no help from her father and no part-time nanny.
Alec had also grown up in a more traditional home and he thought his primary responsibility was to be the best provider he could and to take care of the “man’s chores”, i.e., the yard, the trash, and small repairs. His limited effort to be a more contemporary father and help with parenting was easily withdrawn in the face of criticisms. He felt he was there for Liz but in a more task-oriented way, with limited focus on building their relationship. He thought taking care of the yard and wanting to have sex were ways of expressing love and building a solid marriage. In the meantime, Liz was not only under a lot of stress but she was a very harsh judge of herself, something that she didn’t really know how to share with Alec. It added to her sharp mood shifts and her anger, some of which was displaced from herself to her husband.
The conversations between Liz and Alec were primarily about tasks and schedules. Their marriage was not a sufficient priority. Everything centered on the children. Each had to learn that that they needed each other in more ways than they realized, at deeper levels than they had addressed. Liz had to recognize her limitations and accept them and share them with Alec. In turn, he had to share his fears about not being able to be successful, both as a provider and as a father. The more they were able to become real people in the eyes of each other, with the usual mixture of strengths and weaknesses, the closer they became as a couple.
Again, it took work to make the transition. Alec began seeking Liz out when he walked in the door and asking how he could help. They learned to value that re-entry moment, understanding the importance of a warm, meaningful hug upon seeing each other for the first time since the morning. Liz accepted their differences in parenting styles and just enjoyed seeing Alec spending more time with his children. They made more time for their relationship and had conversations that ranged from fantasizing about the future to sharing personal concerns about their needs and worries. They learned that they really needed each other to feel okay about themselves and their marriage.
Dependency is a strange human dilemma. The more we can accept and express it, the more independent we become from the resulting sense of security.
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