FamilyOnce again parents are faced with a major national or international crisis that is likely to cause most children to have questions and concerns about what is happening. Although there are some general rules that apply to all such situations, each has its unique aspects that create special challenges for parents and children.
In addressing the war with Iraq, as always, what a parent does is impacted by the ages and personalities of each child. Yet, the starting point is nearly always the same. The primary initial goal for the parent is to understand what the child knows about the war and how that information is affecting the child. To accomplish this, there must be some conversation about the war. Many children will bring it up but others won’t. Don’t assume that the latter situation means the child is not aware or affected by what is going on. In those situations it is important for parents to bring up the subject. “Jennie, you’re probably aware that our country is involved in a war with Iraq. What do you know about it?” “What do you think about what is happening?”
Younger children are more likely to worry about their safety – and yours. They understand that war means people are being killed. They will still recall the events of 9/11 that took place in the U.S. and may find it difficult to comprehend how far away Iraq is. So one thing to do is use a globe to help the child understand how far away this is and to reassure, within reason, that those of us at home, are safe.
One of the unique aspects of this crisis is the ambivalence many people experience about the war. This presents a special challenge to parents, who may disagree with each other about the war or, personally, be for, against, or ambivalent about it. It can be a challenge to try to focus on your child’s thoughts and feelings before sharing your own and coloring your child’s response. This can become especially significant when talking to older children who may have strong views about the war that are different from yours. This actually provides an important opportunity to demonstrate a respect for your children by appreciating their beliefs and perceptions rather than trying to change their minds to align with your point of view.
A high school senior was talking to me recently about a discussion of the war in one of her classes. She said that the class was very divided in its opinions and that she was very unsure about how she felt. She described a process where different news stories trigger opposing reactions and she can’t seem to settle on one position about the war. She appreciated that I saw this as very appropriate because it is such a complex issue that most people are simultaneously appalled by a war, any war, yet either feel a desire to be supportive of our soldiers or at times feel anger at “the enemy.”
As always, parents must be careful about the exposure of their children to the media coverage. The basic rule is that the younger the child, the less exposure allowed. In fact with children below the ages of 8-9, or those who are prone to worry or become fearful (and prone to nightmares), no exposure to TV coverage should be the rule. With older children, be sensitive to the possibility of an obsession with watching the war news (as well as your own potential to be consumed by watching war coverage) and place limits on time your child spends watching/reading about what is going on. Again, encourage conversation about what is drawing the child to consume as much information as possible.
For parents with strong anti-war beliefs, it is important to explain your values to your children. In some cases, they will agree with you and perhaps even participate in some form of protest against the war. But sometimes your child will not agree – this can be especially true with adolescent boys where it’s at least partly some rebellion and partly their extension of fascination with violence. The images on the TV screen may look all too similar to the images on the video games they have played for years. Which, of course, is another argument for reducing the violence of these games, but that’s a topic for a separate article.
The opposite challenge is also likely – parents who believe that this war is necessary – especially those who have a history of military service within the family – but where a child is strongly opposed to the war and wants to go out and demonstrate against it.
It takes a lot of strength and faith for parents to be able to support their child taking a position that is totally opposite their own. Yet, being able to do this contributes so significantly to the child’s sense of being respected by you that the value to the child’s sense of self-worth and resilience is enormous. The benefits include a stronger connection between parent and child and a child who is more confident about making his/her own decisions and not just giving in to social pressures.
It will be common for your children to disagree with each other about the war. It is important to try to have each opinion respected, although when it’s part of an ongoing sibling rivalry, that’s very difficult to accomplish. Also, if you have a strong opinion that is the same as one of the children, it will be hard for you to support the other child’s perspective, especially when the aligned child says, “But Mommy, you think Justin’s wrong, too.”
Much of this process deals with teaching children that many issues in life are not simply right or wrong, that our opinions are simply that, our opinions. The challenge is a combination of forming our own opinions and being willing to stand up for them, while being able to respect those who disagree. This is one of life’s important lessons and as challenging as it is to deal with the harsh reality of a war going on, parents can at least try to help their children benefit from having to face this trauma. The combination of helping children to feel safe while also validating their feelings and opinions will contribute to their developing stronger character.
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